Let’s start with you, Anxiety.
I know you’ve been slowly creeping up on me since I was in my teens. I always questioned why I was such a shy and quiet girl who was afraid to speak her mind freely; it was because of you. When a new person approached me and tried to talk to me, I would simply smile and shy away, not giving them a chance to get to know me. When I was in school you wouldn’t let me raise my hand or ask for any help. You had me struggle in class and painted a different picture of me to my teachers. Thanks to you, I would constantly have millions of thoughts rushing through my mind making me second-guess every single thing that I would do. You stopped me from being the person I’ve wanted to be.
Goals and dreams of achieving something big would slowly diminish away. Getting the simplest tasks done seemed like a miracle. You made me feel invisible and insignificant. I would be paralyzed with fear and have panic flashing through my eyes whenever I had to step out into the world. Everyday I could feel my chest tightening, body trembling, and heart beating so fast I thought I was going to explode.
And as if that wasn’t enough for you, you had to invite your friend, Depression. I tried to fight you both away, not wanting you to get inside my head, but the fight became so tiring. Eventually I let you win. Together you caused countless nights of crying myself to sleep wondering why this is happening to me. You had me tossing and turning to worst-case scenarios that were untrue, but seemed so vivid and so real that it would take hours for my heart to slow down and feel calm again. Every accomplishment that I worked hard for and felt proud of, was taken away from me because you kept making me question whether a person, like me, was actually worthy of it.
Scared. Lonely. Exhausted. That’s how I’ve felt for years. Even when family and friends who’ve given me nothing but love surrounded me, you made me have a wall up.
Everyday has felt like a terror that if I tell anyone how I’m feeling, I’ll be seen as weak. It’s staying in bed all day not having the strength to get up. It’s wanting to go out with friends but accidently isolating myself because sometimes I feel like hiding from it all. It’s having to take medication to make you go away, but feeling ashamed to do so. It’s not enjoying the good days because I’m trapped with fretfulness that the next low is around the corner. It’s feeling too much and nothing at all at the same time.
But this all stops today. I’m not going to let you win anymore. I won’t let you build me up with sorrow and make me feel unworthy. I know I’m loved and have great things ahead of me. I want to be able to appreciate all the little things in life and stop fearing you. It’s time I break down that wall you’ve created and let the incredible support system that I’ve been blessed with help me fight back, because you don’t control my life; I do.
If every mistake is a lesson, then the mistake of letting you win way back when, has taught me to conquer my fears and always know my self worth.
From,
A Much Stronger Person
