When it comes to abusive relationships, I have always believed that the only solution was to get out of them. Easy: try your best to get out of it so you can save yourself. But once I grew up and witnessed abusive relationships nearby, I realized it's unrealistic to expect someone to just get up and quit a relationship.
Don't get me wrong: to an extent, an abusive relationship must end. Physical and mental abuse that has gone on for far too long must end because your wellbeing is at stake. It's impossible to watch friends or family members continue to take abuse and not leave it, but it's even harder to watch this abuse and know there is no way out. Because of the abuser, it is sometimes deadly to try to escape these relationships. Abusers know they control the victim's life, and any sort of rebellion or attempts of escape will only place the victim in a more dangerous environment. I also realized that in marriages especially, there are so many circumstances that come into play: children, reputation, money, property. Which of those matters more than the rest depends on the person, but either way, it is a difficult decision with no easy way out. Repercussions will arise and affect the children's lives forever; whether the marriage continues or ends.
It's obviously not easy to be a victim of abuse, and it's definitely not easy to forgive an abuser. The only things I used to feel for abusers were anger, hatred and disgust. These are expected reactions and, of course, understandable. Abusers cause pain, suffering and resentment. For the abusers whom you are able to eliminate from your life without risking it, you must try to forgive (at least a little) what they have done. If you can't do that, which is understandable, at least try to reduce the hatred and resent you have, because the only person you're hurting is yourself.
For the abusers that you cannot get out of your life, my advice from experience is this: it's impossible to ever feel like you could forgive them for hurting people. At first, wounds are fresh, and every attempt they make to better relationships only feels like salt in those open wounds. It feels fake, and the abuser only looks stupid to you because you could never forgive them. After a while, it gets exhausting. It's exhausting to be ready to pounce at someone at any second, and it's exhausting to be afraid to get hurt again. But, you have to learn to take the efforts they show you and believe them. You can't get rid of this person, even though you desperately want to, so you must make the best of the worst situation.
For the victims who have abusers in their lives who do not attempt to apologize or recognize their mistakes, you must live this exhausting life. You must try to live your life and not allow them to completely destroy it for you. Your life is your life and you are living it for you, not for them. Even if they try to control it as much as possible, remember that your thoughts will always be yours, and one day you will escape them. Do not sacrifice your life because they have unfulfillingly lived theirs.
Be strong. People love you.
The New Jersey Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline provides a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week confidential hotline for domestic violence victims and others seeking crisis intervention, information and/or referral services.
1 (800) 572-SAFE (7233)
