For 15 months of my life, I was in an abusive relationship. He never physically hit me, but he would tear me down with the words he would say to me. He would tell me, "I will be the only one to ever love you," or, "If you lost a few more pounds, you would finally be pretty." There were countless other things he said to me, but one thing held true: what he was saying to me was abuse.
Every single time he made a seemingly innocent but hurtful comment, it felt like he was punching me in the gut. How could the person who I loved more than anything in the world be treating me like this and saying all these hurtful things to me? In the mindset I had, everything he ever said to me was my fault; I obviously had to be the cause for him treating me the way he did. However, after talking to friends and family, I ended the relationship that I had with this man.
Yes, the relationship may be over, but the effects of what he said to me are lasting. Even over a year and a half later, I am still struggling with certain things he said to me. I am scared for future relationships I will eventually have because of how much guilt and blame were put on me for the supposed things that went wrong in my previous relationship.
However, you may be thinking, "Well, why didn't you just leave the relationship when you noticed things were getting bad?" Unfortunately, abusive relationships do not work that way; they make you feel powerless, and they strip you of all rational thought. So, I am going to share with you the six reasons why I stayed in my abusive relationship.
1. I was comfortable.
The unfortunate fact about the relationship that I was in was that I did not want to leave it because I was comfortable with the person I was with. I had spent the past two years of my life pouring myself into this person. In my mind, it was easier to stay with the man who was abusing me because of how well he knew me than to leave the relationship and eventually have to start all over with someone new. I also had gotten used to the pattern of abuse that would happen. He would say really mean and hurtful things, I would cry, he would apologize, and then everything would be fine for the next however long it was before this cycle started all over again. Ultimately, I was comfortable with being uncomfortable so, I stayed.
2. I felt like I deserved the abuse.
The longer I stayed in the relationship that I was in, the more that I felt that I deserved the abuse that was being done to me. No matter what happened in the relationship, it was always my fault according to my abuser. Every situation we were in, if something went wrong, it was always my fault. Because of this, I started to believe that everything that would go wrong would be my fault, no matter what. This is the reason why I felt like I deserved the abuse that was being done to me; if everything was always my fault, then of course my abuser had the right to lash out at me, right?
3. There were some good times.
The absolute hardest thing about the relationship I was in was the fact that the abuse was not 24/7; there were some good times that I assumed made up for the abuse. My abuser and I would laugh together, and we did make good memories together. However, the good times did not make up for the sadness that I constantly felt in my relationship with him. But, I still dismissed the abuse because he was nice to me at times, and we did make some good memories together. This was one of the biggest reasons that I stayed in a relationship with a man that abused me. For me, in the good times, it was easy for me to forget about the emotional and verbal abuse that had just happened moments ago.
4. I thought he loved me.
This is by far the biggest reason why I stayed in the relationship with my abuser. I was still convinced that, despite the things I was being told, he loved me. Thinking back on it now, this man did not love me. He only loved the power and control that he had over me. However, this was my first relationship, and I had no idea that what he was telling me and doing to me was not love. The love that he did give me was conditional and could be taken away at any moment. Every time he said he loved me or every act of love he showed me had consequences. Ultimately, abuse is not love under any circumstance.
5. I started to believe the lies he was telling me.
The longer I stayed in my relationship, the more I started to believe the lies my abuser was telling me. I started to hate myself, and I questioning who I was as a person. No mater what I did, I never felt good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or just enough in general. I started to take the blame for everything that was going on in my life and even in other peoples lives when it clearly was not my fault at all. Because of the words my abuser was telling me, I became very self-deprecating, and I even started taking medication for depression. I completely lost who I was because I started to believe the lies my abuser was telling me.
6. I was afraid.
When it came to my abusive relationship, I was afraid. I was afraid to leave, but at the same time I was afraid to stay. Mostly, though, I was afraid to speak up about about the abuse I was suffering. I did not know who to talk to or what I should say. You hear about physical abuse all the time, but I had never heard anyone talk about verbal/emotional abuse. People started to question my relationship that I had with my abuser, but I kept making excuses for him; obviously they were just catching him on a bad day and of course he was a good man. But, the truth was I was afraid to admit to others and even myself that the relationship I was in was toxic and abusive. I did not want to admit that I was a failure and that I was broken. However, when I did speak up, it was so freeing and liberating to be able to talk about the abuse I was suffering. The feelings of hurt did not go away, but as I talked about the abuse I had endured, the feeling of fear slowly went away.
Abusive relationships are a vicious cycle that are hard to break. Even though the easy thing to say to someone in an abusive relationship is for them to leave, in reality, that is easier said than done. If you notice someone is in an abusive relationship, be patient with them. Being there for them and being someone they can talk to is going to be the biggest thing they need. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, I hope this article gave some insight into why people stay in abusive relationships.
