It’s weird when it was someone you knew. Worse yet, someone you knew very well, and vice versa. It makes it feel unreal – illegitimate, even. You keep thinking, despite common sense:

“It wasn’t assault. I was not assaulted. I am not a statistic.” – Me, for about a year.

I told myself over and over again that it didn’t happen, and when it was over, I proceeded with my day and did my best to get over a three year-relationship.

It wasn’t until about a year ago, when I was learning more and more about what defines sexual assault, that I realized – no, I always knew, but maybe I finally acknowledged – that my ex assaulted me. That’s what it was, what it really was.

That day hasn’t been able to get out of my head for awhile now.

This isn’t me forcing out my experience to the world – it’s me relaying what happened, just to let you – yes, you – know you’re not alone. That you’re not the only one, and that, while you have every reason to feel the way you’re feeling, it is not, nor will it ever be, your fault.

I'd told him over the phone, “I want to break up with you.”

After a few moments of listening to him freaking out, he uttered the most chilling words I’ve ever heard directed towards me:

“If you do it, Gabby, I will burn your house down and everyone in it. Your mom, your dad, your brother, your cat. I’ll do it.”

Classic emotionally abusive relationship. He’d said these kinds of things before – that he would be dead if I wasn’t in his life, that he would kill himself if I left him – and while they should have felt like empty threats, I was a worried 17 year-old in love. Blind, very youthful love (Gag for me, please.) So I worried for him, and honestly, there were a few moments when he revealed himself to be unhinged enough that I truly believed he would do what he said he would.

And he knew that if he brought my family into this, I’d get infinitely more worried.

He asked to meet up to ‘seal the deal,’ I guess. I agreed. He picked me up. We drove. He parked. We sat. All in the heaviest, most awkward silence.

We talked, and talked, and eventually –

“One last time.”

I said no. And then he threatened me again, with the same words. I was scared…

This is where it still hurts. It took an hour to get back to this spot. Basically, he had me strip off my shirt in the car and felt me up. And after a few grabs, I put my shirt back on and told him that I was sick of it, that there was no chance on earth that I would have him in my life again.

To keep appearances, however, I let him drive me home, where I went into my room, ate dinner, and didn’t sleep.

I really like Camrys, but I can’t really look at golden ones the same way.

I never told my parents, nor anyone in the family. I never told my friends. I was just waiting for the blame to be put on me. I felt like it was my fault. Even if he’d threatened me, I still felt like it was my fault. I kept my mouth shut, kept the break up at a final but calm, “Life goes on.”

And life went on. Somewhat. (I should note that charges were never and never will be pressed for a number of reasons.)

I was going through a lot my senior year of high school, and denying what had happened to me wasn’t really helping. I think I always knew what it was, but since it was someone who I loved, I didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t a statistic at a presentation. I was a human being. So I kept it to myself, allowed myself to keep rolling with the punches, just kept trying to push forward as much as I could. It worked for a long time. Five years, now.

But there was a time when I felt betrayed, when I felt my body wasn't worth taking care of. When I thought I wasn't worth being cared for. I realize now that what had happened had taken its toll on me, despite how many times I still woke up and pursued life like normal. Putting on a smile that hurt. Over time, however, it began to work.

Eventually, it was put in the back of my mind. It wasn't until that day about a year ago that I remembered the scars that I'd carried for so long.

After awhile, it gets easier to carry. It hurts, and if it always hurts, I've learned to accept it. Without that, a large part of who I am wouldn't exist. And while there's a lot of things we all wish we could take back, we have to remember that what happened is not what counts - it's what we make of it.

Which is why I’m telling my story. To remind you:

You are not a statistic at a presentation.

You are a human being.

I can’t tell you how to cope. But I can remind you of what you deserve after something like this happens.

Surround yourself with people who will give you unconditional love.

You know who this person/these people are. I hope you, when you’re ready, trust them enough with this information.

If there’s no one you can think of, or if you don’t want to trust anyone with it, that’s okay.

There is a reason why some people turn to the Internet for solace. Tumblr, Reddit, along with several other online communities can be a place where you can let it all out without them knowing your name, your story. In those places, your just a person who needs someone to talk to. And, despite how weird I know it can sound - it helps.

Tumblrs:

http://survivorsupport.tumblr.com/

http://survivorschat.tumblr.com/

http://rapevictimsanon.tumblr.com/

http://fromonesurvivortoanother.tumblr.com/

Reddits:

https://www.reddit.com/r/rapecounseling

https://www.reddit.com/r/titleix/

https://www.reddit.com/r/getting_over_it/ (I would like to clarify that this last one is a community made to help someone overcome what they are going through, not a very callous 'GET OVER IT' that we all fear.)

Unconventional Website: 7 Cups of Tea

http://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/

7 Cups of Tea is a website where you can create a free account without using your name and ask to find a 'listener' - someone who's gone through the website's training program to become an effective listener and to do just that. And it works wonders. Categories include (in regards to the specificity of this article), but are not limited to: College Life, Loneliness, Managing Emotions, and Traumatic Experiences.

If you believe it will help, if you feel you are ready, and if it’s easily accessible, utilize counseling services provided by your university or your health insurance.

I was ready to be open with my counselor over several different aspects of my life, but for whatever reason my assault hadn’t been on the topics discussed. It was something I held back for years. And that’s okay. You take what time you need.

Every time someone tells you it was your fault, they are lying.

I kept it hidden for so long because I was worried about this. My first time really bringing it out to the world is right here, right now. And I know some people are going to tell me I had some part in it, but I’m confident enough that what happened to me is not my fault. What happened to you is not your fault, it's not.

If you are worried about any health issues – pregnancy, STDs, a bad cut – please seek the most convenient form of medical care.

There’s no need to worry about people telling other people. The people who work at these centers risk getting fired for that.

Know your resources.

While here are two lines that are national, the majority of these numbers are specific to the University of Nevada, Reno, and the Reno-Sparks area. A lot of the campus ones are included in our tuition, as is the case with several other campuses across the country.

Law Enforcement

• Reno Police
  • Dispatch: (775) 334-2121
  • Detectives—Sex Crimes Division: (775) 785-8605
• Sparks Police
  • Dispatch: (775) 334-2121
  • Detectives: (775) 353-2225
• University Police
  • Dispatch: (775) 334-2121
  • Detectives: (775) 784-4013
• Washoe County Sheriff
  • Dispatch: (775) 785-4629
  • Detectives: (775) 328-3320

Hospital Emergency Rooms

• Northern Nevada Medical Center:
  (775) 356-4040
• Renown Regional Medical Center:
  (775) 982-4140
• St Mary's Regional Medical Center:
  (775) 770-3188

Follow-up

• Washoe County Health Department, Clinic Services:
  (775) 328-2470

Sexual Assault Support Services

• University of Nevada, Reno Equal Opportunity and Title IX Office
  (775) 784-1547
• Sexual Assault 24 Hour Crisis Line:
  (775) 784-8090 or (800) 992-5757
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
  (800) 273-8355

(University of Nevada, Reno’s website).

People are here to help. There are people out there willing to help you. Of course, it’s up to you. But the purpose of this story, this article, these numbers, is for you to know you are not alone.

If even one person can benefit from this, then I’ve done my job. The rest is up to you, you strong warrior, you.

However long it takes to heal, that’s okay. It’s okay.

Good luck, friend.