Dating websites and apps have their reputation as a sort of last resort to getting laid; a shameful, yet successful way to getting some tail, sites like Grindr and Tinder are the pathways to the bedroom. But even favorites can be problematic- and Tinder and the like are a cesspool of problems. From creepy greetings to unsolicited photos, online dating sites and apps are a shit-show of unappealing people. But for colored people, mainly black women, the various approaches used on us are just short of disgusting.
To give you a better understanding of what I’m trying to get at, here are a few of the things that have been said on Tinder to a few of my friends:
“Hey bae you remind me of cinnamon: small, brown, and zesty. Hbu get in my apple pie?”
“Roses are red violets are blue ay baby what that mouth do?”
“I’m like a real life Ken doll. Wanna take me for a ride?”
“Is it true that gingers get sunburns even on cloudy days or can we do some weird kinky shit outside?”
“I wanna paint you green and spank u like a disobedient avocado”
“They call me long dick Reynolds”
While these seem bad, the main reason I get so frustrated at these dating and hook-up apps is because whenever I want to give it a try, I am approached with this:
“I like a little chocolate in my milk.”
“I heard chocolate girls like big, black dick, is that true?”
“You’re my cocoa dream.”
“Let me put my cream in your dark, creamy center.”
“Big lips and fat asses are what I need. Hmu?”
Look, I get it, beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to places like Tinder, but just because I’m not reaching for the stars doesn’t mean I’ll take any old shit. Why is it so difficult for the online dating community to interact with black women without trying to compare us with food and other nasty things? Tinder, like many dating apps, are filled with wonderful, interesting men and women willing to take me to Taco Bell, go to third base with me in their Ford, and then rub one out while I fall asleep in the backseat, neglecting their needs. Yet, I end up getting served lines such as those above from gems like Ryan who doesn’t understand that he can’t say the N word just because I swiped right on him.
I hate to be the one to kink shame others; everyone has the right to express their desires in a safe, legal way and fetishes are perfectly normal (for the most part). But when I am sexualized by the color of my skin and I get fed these pickup lines, it makes me feel like (1.) all I am is a fetish, not a person with hobbies and a life and that (2.) my skin color is my only identity to some. I’m sorry (not sorry) but if you’re going to try this, have some class and some tact. If you insist on being this way, there’s a way to be smooth instead of coming off as gross; you just have to work a little harder. However, the surefire way to attract the “African princess” of your dreams is to NOT do any of this (like, none of it) and approach her like goddamn human being. If you think I'm wrong and you know better, then that's on you: I mean what would I, a black woman, know anyway?
However, if you want to keep listening to me, here’s some advice for those who are thinking of going to the “dark side” (Another line used on me. Ew.):
- First, whatever snack you think we look like should not be the first thing you say to us; shit, it shouldn’t be mentioned anywhere in the first two weeks of messaging or until we give you the green light. I am not a topping on your McDonald's sundae, I’m a person.
- Next, comments on the size of my lips, thighs, and ass, while using Nicki Minaj’s body as a reference, is NOT flattering. You aren’t even being remotely clever, the joke was very clear to us: Hey, look at our bodies, we’re black, real haha, much clever, lol.
- Finally, I don’t care if you are balls deep in jungle fever, your fetish is NOT my problem and I do not have to respond to it at all. You say you want to stick yourself into something hot, black, and sticky? Go heat a McRib in the microwave and have yourself a party. I, personally, want no part of that.
I am not asking for the world here; I’m just asking for a simple hello. So many doors open when you act like someone who was raised with morals and common sense and this type of thinking can be applied to all races, genders, and dating platforms. Kindness and being a downright sweetheart never hurt anyone. Besides, black women aren’t all kinky, angry, and complex like the world wants to think. Some of us just want to meet a nice stranger online who will take us to IHOP as a date and talk about their love for Bernie Sanders. And, I don’t know about you, but that sounds fun for everyone involved.
