I've never really been in a relationship, at least by any standard definitions of the word. My friends regularly joke about how I'm probably the most single person on the face of the planet. But it's not because I'm obsessed with maintaining my independence or because being in a relationship with someone has never been an option that has been put on the table, it's because living with depression for effectively the entirety of my adult life has programmed my brain into believing that if I were to be in a relationship with another person, I would surely ruin their life.

Whenever someone expresses interest in dating me, my first instinct is always that I'm being Punk'd because there is no way any other person could have a genuine desire to want to spend any extended periods of time with me. I have never been able to understand why anyone could ever possibly want to spend any amount of time with me, let alone the amount of time that would be requisite for a traditional relationship.

And once someone has spent so much time with me that we could be considered to be "dating" I'm entirely confident that they would quickly realize that I am not at all worthy of their time and/or energy. And even if they didn't come to this realization, I would certainly go out of my way to make sure that I didn't become an important part of their life because I'm sure in the long run they'd be better off without me.

Throughout my life I've put forth a great deal of effort to build an impenetrable wall around my depression such that even people close to me forget that mental illness is a thing that I even deal with. Most people who know me would say that I'm a funny, outgoing, and lighthearted person, but how I act publically on a daily basis does not completely represent how my depression has jaded how I look at myself and at the world.

What I find the most daunting about the prospect of entering a relationship is that maybe all of the terrible things that I think about myself that I have been trained to recognize as lies conjured from the depths of my depression are actually true. I'm terrified that if I were in a relationship my partner would realize that I'm not always the funny, outgoing, and lighthearted person that I try to be, and upon this realization they would stop wanting to be around me anymore.

In my mind, I'm doing all of my potential suitors a favor by not letting anyone get emotionally close enough to realize that underneath all of my jokes and laughter, I'm secretly the worst.

And this is an incredibly unhealthy mindset with which to enter into the modern dating pool.

Dating with depression is hard because before you can pursue a healthy relationship, you should first be able to love yourself if not at least come to understand that you are worthy of feeling love and happiness in general.

So, the next time you want to mock your friend for being perpetually single, or want to tease someone about how the prospect of them getting married and settling down is ludicrous, maybe think twice about the words you use because you might just be unintentionally beating down someone who can do a perfectly good job of that themselves.