Listen. They’re not going to open up to you right away. Like, you need to hear that and accept it right off the bat.
Do you ever meet someone and it’s almost as though the stars shine in their eyes? You see them laughing and joking with friends, they’re silly, happy, radiant. Yet as soon as you make an effort to get to know them it’s like a wall descends. They’re quiet, they avoid eye contact, you’ll ask them their opinion on something and they offer the most minimal responses. No, they aren’t boring. No, they don’t hate you or are interested. Chances are the person you are seeing has a form of social anxiety.
Now there are different levels to this anxiety, as I’m sure most of you may know. Some people can’t eat in front of others, some people are horribly uncomfortable at parties, some people can’t date. I’m a person who just straight up cannot date. At all. Yes, I do date, quite frequently actually, because how else do I overcome this anxiety other than practice? But man is it a work in progress that many don’t try -- or don’t care -- to understand. So here’s some advice for those of you who think you might be dating someone with anxiety.
First off, be able to identify the difference between anxiety and shyness. Shyness is a personality trait, while anxiety is a disorder, one that overwhelms you and borderline suffocates you. Some might say that being shy is a choice; whether or not I believe that is up for debate. However, one thing is clear: anxiety is not a choice. The way every muscle in your body clenches up as you struggle to voice your opinion, the crippling panic you feel once you get even just an increment out, terrified of the impending judgement… Definitely not a choice. Is she shy? Did she warm up to you after a week? Or has it been a month and he still seems like he isn’t being 100 percent? Be patient.
Everyone has that awkward getting-to-know-you experience when they’re dating someone, it’s inevitable. But if the person you’re dating seems to be especially awkward, make note of it. Do not push them to open up quicker, or they might cave into themselves more, overwhelmed with guilt that they can’t give you what you want. You think you’re feeling stressed because you don’t know your partner? Imagine how they feel, watching you grow frustrated with them and unable to do anything about it. Be patient.
Don’t put your partner on a pedestal. Now you have to accept that you don’t know them just yet, they might seem quiet and sweet at first and then end up being loud and sarcastic down the line. Try to hold onto whatever that spark was that caused you to first be interested. Be patient.
If you lose interest you lose interest, it can’t be helped. But be sure to be very clear in your reasons why, otherwise your partner (or ex-partner) may internalize and assume that everything they were anxious about came true. And that really does nothing for their growth.
But you know, be patient. I believe there’s a lull in every relationship when you find out the person you like wasn’t exactly who you thought you were. Sometimes that ruins everything. Sometimes they’re better than you expected. But if you let their anxiety put you off -- if you don’t even try to understand them through it -- how will you ever know if you and they were meant to be? Be. Patient.
