I have become absolutely sick to my stomach with all the stigmas associated with mental illness today and disgusted with how the media chooses to sometimes portray them. Especially depression.

I feel like depression has become romanticized to the point that people think it’s beautiful to be broken and genuinely believe that some wonderful person will appear out of nowhere, fall in love with them and all their flaws, and make everything just peachy. While that’s a lovely concept, anyone suffering from this particular (and probably any) mental illness can tell you that’s not the case.

I am diagnosed with clinical depression, something most people know about me but some may not. I am prescribed antidepressants to alter chemicals in my brain in order to hopefully keep this, what I consider to be monster, under control. I think there’s some crucial things you have to understand about depression before you can healthily date anyone suffering from it or date someone if you are suffering from it.

Depression isn’t this little dark rain cloud following you around all the time. People don’t just look depressed. If anything, I’d say depression is more like a dam. There all this water pent up and you can see it, you can feel the flood gates wanting to bust and when they inevitably do, you are swallowed up in water and not only can you not breath, but you’ve forgotten how to swim.

Some days, depression is this awful nagging feeling that you’re just lost and worthless and no matter how hard you try you just can’t shake it off. Sometimes depression is never once moving from your bed the entire day, not even to eat. Even more frustrating, logically you may know you have so much going for you but for whatever reason, you can’t believe it. It’s controlling, and there is no telling when it may come crashing down over you.

In my first serious relationship, the boy I was with also suffered from severe depression. So of course, I leapt into things with the mentality of, “Oh he gets it. He can help me.” While I enjoyed and loved our relationship, I am also able to see now how unhealthy it was. We fed into each others depression and bad habits, never pushing each other to really seek or continue receiving help, and never trying to prove that just maybe we were bigger than our mental illness. In the end, our break up made me realize that I was deeply unhappy with myself and letting my depression rule my life, and I realized I could not be in a healthy relationship until I fixed that.

While you can’t just snap your fingers and “fix” your depression, I realized I was not giving myself the care I deserved. I started with my meds, and although I hated the thought of having to alter my brain chemistry for some peace of mind, the meds were worth it when I could finally motivate myself to get out of bed. I spent lots of time alone, reflecting on me and surrounded myself with only positive and uplifting people, who’s only goal was to hold my friendship and help me better myself. Eventually, I began dating again.

My current boyfriend is an angel, but he also has never dated anyone with depression or really had much experience dealing with mental health at all. Some days it’s still impossible to explain to him that I can’t eat because my medicine is making me sick to my stomach. It’s hard to make “I love you’s” sound genuine, not because I don’t mean it, but because maybe I’m having difficulty loving myself one day. I feel awful when we sit on the couch in silence because I am in a funk and he thinks he has done something wrong when in reality I’m upset because something is wrong with me.

But nothing is wrong with me. My brain is wired differently than his and that’s okay. What is important is the way he handles it. When you date someone suffering from depression, the biggest bit of advice I can give you is don’t take it personally. Even though it may be easy to assume your significant other is acting strange because of something you did, remember, they’re probably just as confused and frustrated as you are.

Help when you can, but don’t push anything. My boyfriend almost every morning asks how I’m feeling, physically and mentally. He insists I try to always eat breakfast and start my day right. If I’m acting off, he knows that “it’s nothing you did” really means it’s nothing he did. It’s important to understand some days will just be harder than others and that’s okay. But instead of getting offended, get creative. Suggest going outdoors, exercise releases serotonin which is not as abundant in those suffering from depression. Suggest listening to their favorite song or watching their favorite movie, anything to engage them. But also, understand that sometimes, they may just need alone time.

Most importantly, remember YOU CANNOT FIX SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION and it is not your job to. Your job is to love and be there for them, but if you go into a relationship thinking you’ll cure them like in all these teen romance novels and movies, you’re in for a relationship that will go up in flames. Trust me, I’ve experience it first hand. Just be the best you can be and encourage your significant other to be their best and try their best to seek happiness because they deserve it. Easier said than done, but as someone who struggles with depression it is possible to work hard on your mentality and keep progressing. Don’t let the bad days discourage you.

You’re all lovely and deserve the world.