Sometimes I feel like the world is placing its palm on my head and crushing me under its thick fingers. I feel like the sky is raining fire and my fears are resurrected from the dead. I have panic attacks. I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and claustrophobic, and eventually crying uncontrollably. Regardless of how long I search for a source of my anxiety, I will never know, and nobody else will ever understand. My heart feels like it’s bursting through my chest and my breaths become rapid and shallow, barely reaching the bottom of my throat. I clutch at my chest; it feels like there’s a dam on the verge of being burst by all of the stress built inside of me. Every tremor of fear that climbs up my insides and slides back down starts to feel normal. Sometimes it’s triggered by a nightmare that is far too realistic for my liking. Other times it’s brought on by the thought of failure, or sparked by the fear of being alone. Sometimes I just don’t know. Then, I scramble around my room in the dead of night, extending my arm to its fullest potential trying to turn on the ceiling fan in hopes of returning to an average resting heart rate within the hour.
My chest is exploding. I feel like I’m on the brink of death, and in that moment, I feel like it may be easier than living. Something horrible inside of me is doing back flips and punching me in the gut. It stretches out my lungs and causes my heart to tingle. I struggle to get from the floor to my bed and return to an upright position, supported by nothing but an upholstered headboard and a pillow. I try to calm myself down with deeper breaths, but the air escapes my mouth in tiny gasps and I force my eyes shut, hoping the attack will be over shortly. My heart skips a beat and I hold my breath. It starts again and I lay myself down.
It feels like acid is floating in my stomach, attempting to eat away at the emptiness. My brain begins to spin, over thinking and overanalyzing the tiniest of things. I feel like my thoughts are running around my brain, constantly bumping into each other and creating a state of chaos. I feel like I have left my own body. I’m treated as if I am an alien. There’s a voice in the back of my mind, sometimes a faint whisper, sometimes a dull roar. It tells me that everything is wrong. It tells me that I’m not good enough and will never be. The voice tells me that I’m “too fat” and “not pretty enough”, and the voice tells me that my feelings aren’t important. The voice tells me that I’m a burden and a bother. I have lost complete control of my body. It feels like skidding on top of black ice without brakes with no chance of making it out without a crash. My only priority is attempting to silence the voice and making it through the night.
I grab the stainless steel YETI off of my nightstand and start gulping. Before long, I’m rocking back and forth in the fetal position trying to think of things that make me happy, like sunsets, cotton candy and Christmas. Slowly but surely, my heart rate decreases and my breaths finally reach my stomach. My heart skips a beat once or twice, but after that I manage to be strong and not freak out. Sleep may be exactly what I need to make it through the night, so that’s what I’m going to attempt next. I turn on classical music and doze off, hoping to get a few hours of sleep before my next spell.
For anybody who has ever experienced a panic attack, they may relate to the feelings of having a heart attack or simply 'going crazy'. Sometimes panic attacks may accidentally start by panicking about having panic attacks. Most people start having panic attacks before the age of 25, but children usually aren't diagnosed until they are older. People often go to the Emergency Room, thinking they are having a heart attack, causing them to panic further. If you have panic attacks, try to avoid caffeine filled items, like coffee and sugary sodas, as they tend to worsen the attacks. Many people are afraid to go to the doctor because they doubt the seriousness of their condition. While it can be controlled, it is a frightening thing to have. Others choose not to go to the doctor for the fear of being labeled with something with such a negative connotation. Some people feel they are alone, when they aren't at all. Some people can figure out ways to calm themselves down, or to prevent the panic attacks. If someone has panic attacks in avoidable places, they can avoid them. But if they happen in the home or any other place you have to be at, look into medications.
Until you do, you might be stuck waiting up at the wee hours of the morning, praying that your heart will not burst open and that you will live to see another day. Scary, frightening, horrible, evil. Those are all words I'd use to describe an attack. They scare the life out of me, and I try to calm down, and I try to gather my thoughts, but I might scare myself further. I urge anyone who had panic attacks to get it checked out. You never know when panic attacks might spring up and strangle you with their icy claws.
