It would take more than the two hands from my body to count how many times I’ve had someone tell me, “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” Call me stubborn or what you will but I have always had an issue with this phrase. A lot of it probably stems from my “self-confidence” or lack thereof but it can be a difficult thing to hear.

For those of you reading and those that have lost track of the last time you’ve thought positively about yourself or found anything to love, I’m there with you. I know that this is a cliché thing to write about, I know it’s standard to come from someone my age in a point of self-discovery and I’m sure there are a thousand different things out there written about this topic. But I think it’s a topic worth reiterating time and time again whether it’s for myself or someone else.

Let’s look back at the phrase again: You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I can 100% without a doubt say I don’t love myself and before you get the idea that it’s such a sad thing for me to say, hear me out. I genuinely believe that it’s hard for us as human beings to love ourselves 100% of the time. Unless you’re Kanye or Kim Kardashian (maybe that’s why they’re so perfect for each other?), there is hardly, if ever, any room for 100%. That’s not to say I don’t believe Kim and Kanye don’t have their less than 100 days either. There are plenty of days we have where we don’t feel like dressing up, or eating breakfast, going to work or school, talking to friends or texting, driving, etc. There are plenty of days where we may not have the energy for being productive and the less productive we are, the less we might tend to value ourselves. And the thing is is that this is unhealthy thinking. We shouldn’t hate ourselves for less productivity and things like self-care or for taking a mental health day. We might have off days where we aren’t working efficiently and accurately whether it’s work or school and we might tend to beat ourselves up over it. And while we may have these off days or weeks, even months sometimes where we can’t find an ounce of love for ourselves, who says we aren’t pouring that love into someone else? Sure, when we have these off days, frustrations may be taken out on those we love. But most people come to their senses and apologize and reconcile out of love. Self-discovery is a beautiful thing and being alone with the world and unplugged can be crucial when it comes to finding someone’s character and growing to love things about themselves. But I also feel as though one’s friends and family are necessary as well. We can’t completely write the people we love off when it comes to loving ourselves and the majority of the time, these people might have a hand in the process. This isn’t to say it’s their responsibility but the love and support received by these people is just as important.

But over the time I’ve heard this phrase ring over and over constantly, I came across a quote that was similar but had a different take on the whole aspect.

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation”
–Bryce D. Perry, The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog

What’s that? For once someone is saying it’s the opposite?

The quote altogether encompasses every which way that I feel about this subject. To love and to be loved. We have to know what it’s like to be loved first in order to know how to love – whether that’s within ourselves or with someone else. And I know that the gist of this whole topic typically takes things on from a romantic point, but a lot of it settles in loving yourself too. Ladies and gentleman, in case nobody has told you before, loving yourself is hard. Whether you’ve received love that could flood the earth or the smallest raindrop from friends and family, loving yourself is hard no matter what situation you’re in. Nobody should tell you if you can or cannot love someone else. Perhaps that’s the best thing about you or it's the starting point to loving yourself. .It’s best to pour your heart into everything you do and this includes loving your friends and family that support you and build you up.

For those of you that can relate, keep pushing. Keep fighting the good fight and take everything in small pieces. There will come a time where your heart will be flooded in love for yourself and those around you. Besides, these things don’t happen overnight.