Trying to navigate life with depression is not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. I have read articles and talked with people who tell me to just suck it up, and that's just not something I can do. It makes me absolutely infuriated when people tell me that. If I could just suck it up don't you think I would have already? Then people also say, "Put your big girl panties on and cope." Don't you think if it was just that easy I would have already done it? If you don't have depression, then you will never understand the daily struggle. It takes all I have in me sometimes to just get out of bed every morning. Half the time I just want to lay in bed and cry all day.
Now, here comes the kicker: medicine. Yes, if you have depression you probably take medicine, but it doesn't always help, and sometimes it takes years to find the right combination. Then once you do, after a year, it just stops working for some reason. Then you become unstable while you play the guessing game all over again. I have battled depression for longer than I would like to admit, and I have played the guessing game many times. Sometimes it drives you lower than low, and you have to go impatient somewhere, and speaking from experience, it does help. I have learned more coping skills and learned more about my medication and myself in those five days being impatient than I have in my 10+ years battling this crippling illness. It's a time to shut off the world and focus on yourself. I didn't have my phone so I wasn't worried about Facebook, or texting, or checking my phone and feeling like I couldn't go anywhere without it. It was shut off and locked in a safe, and there was a phone in the unit, but I got to choose who I talked to and when. The nurses would screen phone calls, so I had an option to decline talking to whomever called. If they weren't a positive person or taking part in my treatment, then I didn't want to talk to them.
It was also nice being with people who truly understood me and knew what I was going through. My mom, who is my rock, came to visit, and it was nice to see a familiar face. But it was a break that I needed to redo my medication and get the help I needed so I could be productive in the outside world. Going impatient isn't anything like you see in movies its refreshing and clean. Nothing creepy. The doctors are super helpful and so are the nurses and techs.
Depression is a silent killer. If you don't get a grasp on it, then the silent killer it will be. I am much happier since I got control of mine. Now, I have my moments where I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and that's when I use my coping skills or talk with my mom to help me pinpoint what is wrong and then act accordingly. Depression sucks, but it's a part of my life, and it does not define me. It's just something I deal with every day. Please just keep fighting! It does get better! It might take a while and an impatient stay, but it will get better and easier to manage.
