In life, you have to do a lot of guessing: what your professor means when she says "a short essay," what your crush is thinking about you, how long you need to put popcorn in the microwave to keep it from burning. But one thing you never have to guess about is if your best friend will judge you for your weird question or super-mean rant. You never have to guess what she means about anything, because she will always tell you the truth. There are some conversations you can only have with your very best friend in the world. And usually, they're hilarious.
1. We're basically doctors.
"My stomach hurts."
"Mine too. I think popcorn would help."
"Yeah... Popcorn is a good carb, right?"
2. Minor emergencies.
[Coughing.] "I'm choking on my hair."
3. Major emergencies.
"How's your cleanse going?"
"Do you really wanna know?"
"Yeah."
"I've practically lived on the toilet today."
4. Your family is my family.
"I hate my mom. Is she crazy or is that just me?"
"Shut up, I love your mom."
5. Getting in shape.
"Can we go get ice cream?"
"Only if we work out first."
6. Life's big questions.
"Are animals more fertile than humans? Like, bunnies. They have sex once and then they're pregnant."
"I don't know, Google it?"
7. It's not crazy if you don't do it alone.
"Will you help me egg my ex's car?"
"You're psycho, you know that right?"
"Yeah."
"OK, are you getting the eggs or am I?"
8. You should never have given me your garage code.
"I'm in your house."
"Where? You better not be eating my Cheetos again."
9. The morning after.
"I'm covered in liquor."
"I'm covered in shame."
10. Other people.
"So I was scrolling on Facebook today, and I had an epiphany."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I think I hate everyone except for you."
11. What is personal space?
"Can I come over?"
"Yeah, but I'm in bed and I'm not wearing pants."
"Cool."
12. Straight up.
"Do you like this shirt?"
"Hell no. You can't wear that color."
13. Embarrassing stories/boyfriends.
"Remember when--"
"Shut up. I know what you're going to say and don't say it."
14. Reality.
"Oh man I love you. I'd kiss you except I have morning breath."
"...It's 5:48 p.m."
15. Unconditional support.
"I have literally nothing to wear."
"Go naked. Show the world what they're missing."
