Let it be known that as a kid, I never had any interest in playing “sports.” I wanted to take dance classes, do cheerleading (both are sports in my opinion, but that’s for a different article) and sing in choirs. I had zero interest in anything that required a ball, a competition, or wearing a uniform that was anything other than a skirt that I could twirl in. I still love dance and cheer, so I stand by that decision. But let’s just say that these choices prevented me from gaining any type of athletic ability whatsoever when it comes to everyday sports, leaving me at a loss at social functions for the rest of forever. Here are some of the thoughts I’ve had as I have found myself in situations where my less-than-impressive skills have not come in handy.
(High school P.E. class)… AKA my worst nightmare:
We’re playing dodgeball today? Oh, hell no. Get me out of here.
I can’t even throw the ball across the damn court. *tries and hits teammate*
Okay, okay. Game plan.
If I stand directly in front of the most athletic person in the class, he’ll definitely hit me and then I won’t have to stand here and embarrass myself anymore.
So the game plan worked, minus the fact that he threw that ball way harder than expected, at my face. Impeccable aim.
Finally. They blew the whistle, done with this stupid game. Am I bruising? Do I have a black eye…? Going to fake a concussion here in a sec.
Oh god. Now they’re making us play soccer?
Can I play water boy in P.E. class?
That’s honestly the only position that I would be helpful at here.
WTF is offsides?
This is way too much running for my liking.
Ope. Just tried to kick the ball into the wrong goal.
Good thing I missed anyway.
Can we have a cheerleading unit in P.E.? I would excel at that.
*Gets hit with soccer ball* Yup, definitely a black eye now.
(Attending afamily barbecue)
Oh god. They have badminton set up in the backyard. And volleyball. And cornhole. This is going to be a long night…
When you’re the last person in your family to get picked to be on a volleyball team.
Perhaps it’s because I always serve the ball straight into the net.
This actually really hurts my wrists. Why don’t volleyball players get to wear wrist pads or something?
Dive? For the ball? Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen. *tries and flashes the whole family with thong*
Wow, this is embarrassing.
(Playing cornhole)
Why does my brother have to be so athletic? It makes me look even worse.
Honestly, the bag I threw was not even in the same vicinity as the hole that it was supposed to go in.
How can one person lack so much hand-eye coordination?
(Attending a college party)
Alright, I am excited to just hang out and have fun.
*prays to self* No one ask me to play beer pong with them.
Too late.
Why did I say yes?
I’ll be lucky if I even make one ball into a cup.
And I have nothing to blame it on other than my severe lack of ability to aim and shoot in a straight line.
How do people do this with their opposite hand or behind their back?
Yas I made one! Thank God!
Finally, a party where I don’t have to troll.
Okay, get me out of here before I decide to play again and ruin this moment.
(On a date)
Him: What’s your favorite team?
Me: In Twilight? I was definitely team Jacob.
Him: ...sports team…
Me: Oh, um….the good team…?
Him: Did you play any sports when you were younger?
Me: Yes, I did cheerleading. And we are not having this argument right now.
So needless to say, not playing sports and not being athletic has resulted in more than one embarrassing and awkward moment. But with lots of laughs and stories to tell along the way.
