This is the first year since 2011 that I have not felt an overwhelming amount of guilt in the bottom of my stomach. Maybe it's because the saying rings true that time really does heal everything, but I believe that it is because I stuck to my New Years Resolution for once: To let go of everything making me anxious and live my life to the fullest. Sounds like a pretty common resolution, right? If I had a dollar for every time someone told me to "live in the moment," "don't let the past hold you back," or some other cliché about seizing the day, I would be as rich as Donald Trump. Only with better hair and morals. In all seriousness though, I made a drastic change and I am happier than ever. I'll share with you my background story and how I regained control of my anxious, guilt-filled life.

In 2003, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went in and out of remission, and developed stage-4 breast cancer that eventually spread to her lungs in 2010. I can remember vividly her always being sick. Of course, some days were better than others, but I don't remember her ever feeling 100 percent. Then, in the blink of an eye, my mom was transferred to a Hospice in December 2011. I didn't know what that meant. I couldn't even fathom the thought of my mom dying. I guess deep down I knew she wouldn't make it, but I was in denial. I never hung out with her because it made me sad, and quite frankly, scared to look at her frail body. She wasn't my strong mommy anymore. She was someone I had to help carry to the bathroom because she didn't even have the strength to walk. She always complained that I was with my friends or playing soccer and not spending time with her, but I didn't listen. The last night I saw her in her hospice room, she started having a coughing fit and the nurse made me leave. I wasn't able to say good-bye. When I heard the news the next morning, I raced down to her room and sat there for an hour holding her lifeless body, pouring out my regrets that I didn't spend enough time with her and constantly apologized for being a horrible daughter. I realized she would never help me pick out my wedding dress, or hold her future grand babies. I would never get to sing "Ain't no Mountain High Enough" at the top of my lungs with her, cook Sunday dinner, or go on 5 a.m. walks to see the sunrise together. Three days later, I was sitting in a church conference room talking to a pastor about what what I was going to say at the memorial service. You don't ever forget something like that and the emotions attached to it. Every day I replayed those events and the last eight years of my life, tearing myself down one "you are such a bad daughter" at a time. I could have said good-bye, and I could have taken advantage of the precious time I had with her since I knew what the inevitable was, but I didn't. I was depressed, had anxiety to the point where I would make myself sick almost daily, and was not mentally well. This guilt crept into other aspects of my life as I began to feel guilty about everything, and I started to hate myself. I took my frustration and anger out on people I loved, and was not content with my life. So I decided to make a change.

I told myself at the start of this year I would no longer let my past hold me back. I knew it would be harder said than done, but actually it was surprisingly easy because I accomplished this by promising to surround myself with positivity and my supportive sorority sisters. I also made a vow that since August was the beginning of my senior year in college, I would take advantage of every single opportunity that came my way. In the past, I had always been "too busy" or had "too much homework" to go out with my friends. I said no to many fun activities and missed out on a lot. However, this year has been different. The very first weekend of the new school year, I went on a canoe/camping trip with some of my sisters and some people they knew from a different University. I normally would have said no to such an adventure because it was the first week of school and I was still settling in. The idea of being in the middle of nowhere with 25 strange fraternity men also kind of terrified me, but I'm so glad I agreed to go. I made new friends, canoed over 10 miles, and had a once-in-a-lifetime experience. During this trip, my friend begged me to go to New Orleans with her and her friends the next weekend. Of course, I said no at first, but then thought about how well the spontaneous camping trip went. I quickly changed my mind and bought the cheapest plane ticket I could find. We were on a plane five days later, and it ended up being one of the best weekends of my life. I was on cloud 9 when I came back. I finally felt the guilt slide off my shoulders and I started to feel happy. Not just content. Like Leonardo DiCaprio just confessed his love to me happy. As the year progressed, I said yes to everything. I ran a half marathon and went on as many dates as I could, just so I could so I could meet new people. I've gained two new best friends who make me genuinely happy. I stopped worrying so much about my grades and other obligations, and just lived life. And guess what? My grades have been better than ever this semester, which I attribute to being mentally healthy and happy. I pay attention in class and am truly interested in learning, I got my dream job on campus that will help me in my future career and have taken on multiple leadership roles in my various organizations.

I am not only living, I am thriving. I no longer tell myself I am a bad daughter. I know my mom loved me, and looking back, I did spend more time with her than the average high school student spent with their parents. I'm sad that she didn't get to see me graduate high school, send me off to prom, or won't see me graduate from college and get a big-girl job, but I no longer worry about that stuff. I know she's watching over me and I know I'll be successful one day, so why be anxious about the future? I am living each day in the present. And best of all, I don't feel that cloud of guilt over me. Changing the way I think is a daily mental battle, but it's worth it. Every day I wake up and choose to be happy. I am not saying by any means that I am a perfect person now and that everyone should follow in my footsteps of being Jim Carrey in "Yes Man, the Sequel," but I do advise anyone who is reading this to step out of your comfort zone. Do something you've never done before. Be spontaneous. Ask out the guy or girl you've had your eye on, and don't care what other people think. Speak up in class and take on leadership roles in a new organization. Just find out what and who makes you happy and do it with them. I know my mom is proud of me and the way I am choosing to live my life now. She is smiling down on me and is happy that I am finally happy.

My mom always said, "enjoy the moment," which I of course thought was so cliché. But now I get it. And I think we should all listen to her because as everyone knows mama knows best.