I want to emphasize that how I feel is a reflection of myself and that many others reading this could have very different opinions. This is not telling anyone how to feel or who and when to date, it is only a way of telling others the journey I am on. I am happy with what I have at this moment and I don't let any relationship impact the quality of my life. This is completely a personal opinion.

I wasn't always like this. I was in an emotional turmoil after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend of two years at the end of 2018. After our breakup, I was blinded by the overwhelming fear that I was never going to be what another man wants because I wasn't enough for him. During that time, I was an insecure girl who was mindlessly lost. The jealousy, anxiety, and uncertainty I accumulated was out of control — and I felt overwhelmed at the kind of person I had become.

But, I had never truly spent time to dwell on why I let myself be in this toxic past relationship or the feelings that prompted the obsession. I refused to properly open and heal the side of me that was causing my insecurities with relationships. In the past, I hid all this from everyone in my life — I never talked about the painful aftermath of my first relationship. I was running away and internalizing just like how I had done so in the past with all the issues that came up in my life. This was impacting every other relationship I tried to start.

Then, it all clicked why my first relationship was destined to fail from the very beginning.

I entertained the idea of being with another guy who was attracted to me after the breakup. A few weeks into talking to this new person, I soon got into these particular habits. I would quiet myself to seem more feminine. I stopped talking about my love for God because I thought it was overwhelming. I let him smoke around me even though it went against my core beliefs. And, I refused to talk about the passions that made me happy because I thought they were too odd.

I had lost myself again.

As I was talking to this new man, I lessened and lost who I was, which represented issues from my past that went unresolved. Every person we meet in life is showing up at the perfect time in our lives to reflect something we need to heal within ourselves, and this was the final sign that showed me further that I was not ready for a relationship.

Now, it brings us to the present day. The question I get asked by my friends — also the question guys ask me angrily as I reject their advances: "Natalie, why do you choose not to date?"

I choose not to date right now because I am unapologetically learning who I am as a person.

I spent the first months of my breakup transition driven by anxiety and fear, but I was able to shift my mindset to a more positive light. I am transforming my journey every day as I focus on creating space for what I love. This new attitude allows me to be happier and less critical of the past. I have begun to invite happiness to my space by keeping what brings me joy and letting go of what doesn't. I am no longer focusing on negative emotions, and I am striving to be a better me, instead of someone I'm not meant to be.

I occasionally remove people from my life that no longer help me in my growth to a better person. When I do, I remember to thank them for their impact on my life. I have learned now that it is okay to outgrow people because I am holding them back from meeting someone who will appreciate them more. It is okay to reject people from entering the space you are building.

In no way, should anyone have to feel obligated to stay around someone, or feel pressured to make a friend a significant other because of the harmful connotation behind "friendzoning" someone. I have learned through my breakup that I cannot make someone love me. I can only make myself someone who can be loved. I have realized that dating is a huge commitment which I plan to turn into a marriage. I am on this self-loving journey of learning who I am and that's why I choose not to date right now.