My Girlfriend And I Went To A Swinger's Club, And It Was Far More Disappointing Than You’d Expect

My Girlfriend And I Went To A Swinger's Club, And It Was Far More Disappointing Than You’d Expect

For Halloween, my girlfriend and I decided to go to a "sex club." It was not what we expected.

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It's hard to believe sex clubs exist, but they do. In nearly every major city, no less. Probably because of the taboo associated with them.

Am I even allowed to be writing this right now? Will I be shunned from society? Will I be at a cocktail party years from now, shmoozing over my most recent Pulitzer Prize, when somebody will recognize me and say, "Hey! It's that guy! He went to a sex club, I read his article!"

They take away my awards, I stop getting invited to Pictionary Night, people stop carpooling with my future hypothetical children...next thing you know, I'm telling bad stand-up comedy in exchange for free chicken tenders (you can either have a side of ranch or honey mustard, not both): "Hey what's the deal with baby carrots, did momma carrot and poppa carrot have a baby?"

Everything about the concept is hush-hush. The club itself is located in an unassuming back alley, more resembling where Bruce Wayne's parents got shot (spoiler!) than anything resembling an actual nightclub scene. We walked in, hearts racing, not fully sure what to expect... First, some background.

After a year of chewing on the idea, getting cold feet several times, we decided to take the next step: No, not going to a club. We decided to see a therapist as a couple. We kept the conversation mostly about what a "friends with benefits" scenario would look like as a couple, without getting too specific (yeah, like this is a time to get reserved). The therapist helped us realize something that we had already uncovered ourselves; that communication was the key to everything.

If you don't communicate well as a couple, this experience is not for you. It will go up in flames.

Our intention in going there was not to have sex, and certainly not to have sex with others. But for the past year or so, we have been intrigued by the idea of non-monogamy.

Who made these rules, that once you're in a serious relationship, that ends all physical connection with other people? Is there some sort of handbook somewhere? We have discussed scenarios that excite us both, only doing so when we were absolutely secure in each other, and more importantly, in our relationship. This was not a whim or a spur of the moment idea. It was simply the next step, as in, what does something like that look like? What kinds of other people are into this sort of lifestyle? It was more of a character study, a way of getting out from the shadows and confronting the reality of what this sort of commitment would entail.

We booked our night at the club, taking place on the weekend before Halloween. We did this methodically, as we would get to wear costumes and get to go as our people, preserving our true identities. Roleplaying, so to speak.

She dressed more risque than she typically would, although stopping short of full-out sorority girl gone wild: Black, form-fitting jeans complete with rips around her left knee, with tall black boots. Tight sleeveless black top, that hung low in the front and showed off the beginning of her cleavage. I wore a button-up long sleeve shirt, tucked into tight black dress pants. We put fake blood around our mouths and went as "vampires."

After doing several shots of vodka, we were ready. We Ubered over, getting out in the Bruce Wayne alley in front of an abandoned looking warehouse. I'm only half joking when I say I was expecting us to have to give the doorman a password to get in. But, after no password, we were identified as being new, which meant we were given a complimentary tour by a young-faced employee, where reality set in.

We weren't quite sure what to expect. Personally, I had an image of a dimly lit bar in my mind, with women wearing low cut black or red dresses and men in tuxedos. There would be quiet classical music, flowing glasses of whiskey, and seductive back rooms that resembled something out of “50 Shades of Grey." It was not like that. Not at all.

The music was blaring so loud that a monster truck rally would've sounded like a whisper in comparison. Women walked around leaving little mystery, often with less clothing than you would see at a swimming pool. The men were either old enough to be our fathers or had pot bellies that screamed “compensating for something missing" in their life. There was no mystery, no intrigue.

It was like expecting to be wined and dined; with the reality being cheap vodka and uninspiring sex.

In one room, a middle-aged bald man with a beer belly and uninspiring t-shirt whipped a woman lying naked face down on a leather massage table. In another, a couple had sex on a bed with the lights off while spectators watched from a doorway. You know how sex looks in porn? It doesn't look like that in real life. Were we approached by anybody? Did we approach anybody? No and no. To be honest, I was more relieved than I was disappointed.

I'm not sad to say the highlight of the night was the large supreme pizza that was brought in near closing time. At least that was sausage that we actually wanted to see.

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To The Guy Who Treated Me Like Crap

In many ways, I feel bad that you could never see how amazing I am.
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Dear (insert guy's name here),

I’m sorry that I acted as your footstool for so long. You treated me terribly, and for some reason, I couldn’t see that. I only saw you as someone who liked me and wanted to be with me (at least, that’s what I thought). I was like a little puppy dog following you around, completely loving and loyal. I was always waiting for you to text me, posting Snapchat stories for the sole purpose of knowing you would see them and always hoping you would come around when I was out with my friends so I could show you off.

No matter how hard I wanted us to work out, I now realize it never would have.

You weren’t right for me because you treated me like I was your inferior. You were always talking to other girls, flirting with them, and treating me like a child. You were so selfish. Only doing what you wanted and coming around when you felt like it and taking advantage of me. You made me feel crazy when I got mad at you for all the little things. I was so caught up in you that I tried to ignore all of the signals right in front of me.

You just weren’t right for me.

I now know that the right guy for me is the one who respects me and chooses me over everyone else. The guy who never makes me feel insane for questioning something, the guy who understands when he’s done something wrong and can live with the consequences. You just simply couldn’t provide that for me. In many ways, I feel bad that you could never see how amazing I am.

While I may have been so upset when our relationship ended, it made me realize who I am and what I deserve. I deserve so much more than someone putting in 50 percent. I deserve an endless amount of respect and communication. Putting in your all for a relationship when they can’t do the same is not healthy and it’s childish. I hope someday you can find a girl that you can love infinitely but I take a lot of pride in knowing that girl won’t be me. I may be single for a really long time or I may find the one tomorrow, either way, I have so much hope that one day someone can give me their all and make me feel incredible.

For now, I’m done wasting my time on guys like you who make me feel miserable.

Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away

Cover Image Credit: Trinity Kubassek

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5 Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be A Dirty Rotten Cheater

Now that we have Valentine's Day behind us, I finally feel comfortable bursting your precious love bubble and giving you the real tea on how all of those things you're questioning about your boyfriend are probably just signs he's cheating on you.

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I just spent the last week with my jaw on the floor after the discovery that my best friend spent the better part of 2 years with a guy who was actually cheating ( a lot ) basically the entire length of their relationship. And now that we have Valentine's Day behind us, I finally feel comfortable bursting your precious love bubble and giving you the real tea on how all of those things you're questioning about your boyfriend are probably just signs he's cheating on you. If you encounter any of the following 5 signs, then girl you better get the hell outta dodge.

1. You NEVER get the invite to family gatherings.

Holidays

Brunch with the fam? He's not calling you. Christmas Eve at Aunt Sheryl's? He's not calling you. His sister's birthday party? He's definitely not calling you. It may not seem like a big deal at first, but if he has met your mom, your dad, and your cousins and still isn't inviting you to come along, it's probably because he doesn't want his mom to get confused that he had a totally different girl over last week.

2. He can't stand you being anywhere near his phone.

Cheater's Phone

I would think this one is an obvious red flag, but you'd be surprised how many people believe guys who say they just want you to "respect their privacy." If he is constantly texting, snapping and shoving his phone into his pocket immediately after hitting that lock screen, you may very well be in for a world of hurt. If it's going off at 2 AM, well girl, I shouldn't have to say more to convince you he's cheating.

3. You rarely go out in public.

Dating

I know, I know, he's told you a hundred times that he's just a homebody and would rather be snuggled up watching "Catfish" with you than going out anywhere, but that's probably because he is just scared you guys will run into his other girlfriend. If you do end up going out, it's always out of town or something loud and crowded like a concert where you guys would be hard to spot.

4. He NEVER wants to post about you two on social media.

Cell Phone

He says stuff like "Oh, I just don't feel the need to publicize our love." or maybe "I have a crazy ex and I don't want her to harass you online." Those are both actually just lies. What he really wants to say is "I just don't want evidence and time stamps of our relationship in case I get caught." The best is when they tell you about how they like girls who are off the grid. Sounds like a cheater to me...

5. He's constantly accusing you of cheating.

Accusing

Most girls I know will chalk this up to him just being a jealous guy. But let me tell you something honey, nothing makes you more paranoid than a guilty conscious. If every time you two argue, it divulges into him saying he's not sure if he can trust you or that you have too many guy friends or that he wonders what you're doing on nights without him, well he's probably just manifesting his own fears.

There are no promises here that he is definitely cheating, and if you really trust your man then more power to you. But if any of these signs had you thinking about your own relationship, then I highly recommend that you move on to the next one girl. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, even fish who won't cheat on you!

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