My Girlfriend And I Went To A Swinger's Club, And It Was Far More Disappointing Than You’d Expect

My Girlfriend And I Went To A Swinger's Club, And It Was Far More Disappointing Than You’d Expect

For Halloween, my girlfriend and I decided to go to a "sex club." It was not what we expected.

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It's hard to believe sex clubs exist, but they do. In nearly every major city, no less. Probably because of the taboo associated with them.

Am I even allowed to be writing this right now? Will I be shunned from society? Will I be at a cocktail party years from now, shmoozing over my most recent Pulitzer Prize, when somebody will recognize me and say, "Hey! It's that guy! He went to a sex club, I read his article!"

They take away my awards, I stop getting invited to Pictionary Night, people stop carpooling with my future hypothetical children...next thing you know, I'm telling bad stand-up comedy in exchange for free chicken tenders (you can either have a side of ranch or honey mustard, not both): "Hey what's the deal with baby carrots, did momma carrot and poppa carrot have a baby?"

Everything about the concept is hush-hush. The club itself is located in an unassuming back alley, more resembling where Bruce Wayne's parents got shot (spoiler!) than anything resembling an actual nightclub scene. We walked in, hearts racing, not fully sure what to expect... First, some background.

After a year of chewing on the idea, getting cold feet several times, we decided to take the next step: No, not going to a club. We decided to see a therapist as a couple. We kept the conversation mostly about what a "friends with benefits" scenario would look like as a couple, without getting too specific (yeah, like this is a time to get reserved). The therapist helped us realize something that we had already uncovered ourselves; that communication was the key to everything.

If you don't communicate well as a couple, this experience is not for you. It will go up in flames.

Our intention in going there was not to have sex, and certainly not to have sex with others. But for the past year or so, we have been intrigued by the idea of non-monogamy.

Who made these rules, that once you're in a serious relationship, that ends all physical connection with other people? Is there some sort of handbook somewhere? We have discussed scenarios that excite us both, only doing so when we were absolutely secure in each other, and more importantly, in our relationship. This was not a whim or a spur of the moment idea. It was simply the next step, as in, what does something like that look like? What kinds of other people are into this sort of lifestyle? It was more of a character study, a way of getting out from the shadows and confronting the reality of what this sort of commitment would entail.

We booked our night at the club, taking place on the weekend before Halloween. We did this methodically, as we would get to wear costumes and get to go as our people, preserving our true identities. Roleplaying, so to speak.

She dressed more risque than she typically would, although stopping short of full-out sorority girl gone wild: Black, form-fitting jeans complete with rips around her left knee, with tall black boots. Tight sleeveless black top, that hung low in the front and showed off the beginning of her cleavage. I wore a button-up long sleeve shirt, tucked into tight black dress pants. We put fake blood around our mouths and went as "vampires."

After doing several shots of vodka, we were ready. We Ubered over, getting out in the Bruce Wayne alley in front of an abandoned looking warehouse. I'm only half joking when I say I was expecting us to have to give the doorman a password to get in. But, after no password, we were identified as being new, which meant we were given a complimentary tour by a young-faced employee, where reality set in.

We weren't quite sure what to expect. Personally, I had an image of a dimly lit bar in my mind, with women wearing low cut black or red dresses and men in tuxedos. There would be quiet classical music, flowing glasses of whiskey, and seductive back rooms that resembled something out of “50 Shades of Grey." It was not like that. Not at all.

The music was blaring so loud that a monster truck rally would've sounded like a whisper in comparison. Women walked around leaving little mystery, often with less clothing than you would see at a swimming pool. The men were either old enough to be our fathers or had pot bellies that screamed “compensating for something missing" in their life. There was no mystery, no intrigue.

It was like expecting to be wined and dined; with the reality being cheap vodka and uninspiring sex.

In one room, a middle-aged bald man with a beer belly and uninspiring t-shirt whipped a woman lying naked face down on a leather massage table. In another, a couple had sex on a bed with the lights off while spectators watched from a doorway. You know how sex looks in porn? It doesn't look like that in real life. Were we approached by anybody? Did we approach anybody? No and no. To be honest, I was more relieved than I was disappointed.

I'm not sad to say the highlight of the night was the large supreme pizza that was brought in near closing time. At least that was sausage that we actually wanted to see.

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14 Fraternity Guy Gifts Ideas, Since He Already Has Enough Beer

Frat boys are a species of their own and here are some exciting gifts they will be ecstatic to receive!

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What more do frat boys love than alcohol, partying, and just acting stupid? Here are some gifts that help fulfill all of those needs for the frat boy in your life!

1. Beer holster belt

Whats better than one beer? Six beers! This fashionable camouflage accessory can be used for tailgates, beach days, formals and everything in between.

Price: $8.49 (one pack), $14.99 (two pack)

2. Phone juul holder 

You know those cardholders everyone sticks on the back of their phones? Well, now a Juul holder for your phone is on the market! This will save your favorite frat boy from ever again losing his Juul!

Price: $10.98

3. Animal house poster 

This Animal House poster is a classic staple for any frat boy. This poster will compliment any frat house decor or lack thereof.

Price: $1.95

4. The American Fraternity book

Does the frat boy in your life need a good read for Thanksgiving or winter break? Look no farther, this will certainly keep his attention and give him a history lesson on American fraternity heritage and tradition.

Price: $28.46

5. Beer pong socks 

These snazzy socks featuring beer pong will be loved by any frat boy. As for the way to any frat boy's heart may, in fact, be beer pong.

Price: $12.00

6. Condom case

This condom carrying case will not only protect condoms from damage but also make frat boys more inclined to practice safe sex, which is a win-win situation!

Price: $9.99

7. Frat house candle

Ahhh yes, who does not like the smell of stale beer in a dark, musty frat house basement? Frat boys can make their apartment or bedroom back home smell like their favorite place with the help of this candle.

Price: $16.99

8. "Frat" sticker

Frat boys always need to make sure everyone around them knows just how "fratty" they are. This versatile stick can go on a laptop, car, water bottle, or practically anywhere their little hearts desire.

Price: $6.50

9. Natty Light t-shirt 

Even I will admit that this shirt is pretty cool. The frat boy in your life will wear this shirt at every possible moment, it is just that cool!

Price: $38.76-$41.11

10. Natty light fanny pack 

This fanny pack can absolutely be rocked by any frat boy. The built-in koozie adds a nice touch.

Price: $21.85

11. Bud Light Neon Beer Sign 

A neon beer sign will be the perfect addition to any frat boys bedroom.

Price: $79.99

12. Beer Opener

Although most frat boys' go to beers come in cans, this bottle opener will be useful for those special occasions when they buy nicer bottled beers.

Price: $7.99

13. Frat House Dr. Sign

Price: $13.99

Forget stealing random street signs, with this gift frat boys no longer have to do so.

14. Beer Lights 

Lights are an essential for any party and these will surely light up even the lamest parties.

Price: $17.19

Please note that prices are accurate and items in stock as of the time of publication. As an Amazon Associate, Odyssey may earn a portion of qualifying sales.

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Long-Distance Relationships May Just Make You More Thankful

The wait is worth it.

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College dating and high school dating are two different worlds, and couples who got together in high school know this well, especially the couples who had to go their own ways for school after graduation. It's not easy, in fact, it's probably one of the hardest things some people have to go through, but it's definitely a valuable lesson.

My boyfriend and I got together the day after prom our senior year. Super helpful right? If we had both confessed earlier, we could've been together way before prom, but that's not my point. I was scared. We both chose our schools, mine is just a few hours from home and his being far on the East Coast. We only had the summer together and I didn't know how I would be able to survive being so far away from him, but he wanted to make it work, and so I decided I wanted to make it work too. I will admit that even after a little over a year and a half, it's still a struggle sometimes. I had never had a long-distance relationship with anyone before, just a friend or a boyfriend. When we both went to school our freshman year, I thought it was going to be a breeze. We Facetimed almost every night and sent each other gifts often…but I began to realize that it isn't as easy as I told myself it was going to be.

When our breaks rolled around though, it was absolute heaven for me. I got to see my boyfriend in person and actually hug him instead of just talking on the other side of a screen. It made me feel thankful I got to spend time with him in person, but my time was limited in college unlike high school, where I got to see him every day. This was a complete reality check for me, it still is sometimes.

Being in a long-distance relationship can test your patience to a whole different level. It can drive you crazy when there might be an issue that's better to talk in person, or when you are having a serious breakdown because they can't be there with you. I've never missed getting a hug from someone so much before. Having someone that will gladly try to work things out and talk about problems is someone that you need to hold onto and not let go of, those are rare and special people. I'm always the one that needs a good cry to get the stress out, but my boyfriend is always the level-headed person that will work things out, and I'm so thankful that I have him.

It still takes me a few days to get used to the distance after a break, but when I do have time with him, I try to spend as much time as I can, whether it's making pizza or going to the city. Our relationship has certainly made me more thankful for the things I have in life because I might only get a certain amount of time with someone or something before it leaves again.

All in all, being in a long-distance relationship is full of many struggles, but you learn from those struggles. Facetime is your best friend, sending surprise gifts is the best, and the time you get in person with your partner can make you appreciate things a little bit better.

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