We’ve all had bad things happen to us, and most of us can honestly say we’ve been royally back-stabbed (only emotionally, I hope) by at least a few people in our lives. It doesn’t matter if it was yesterday or twenty years ago, it can be really hard to let that stuff go. You know what, though, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to trust them. It doesn’t mean what they did to you was any less wrong, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to like or trust them. Forgiveness isn’t just for them; it can work wonders for you, too.
Lugging around all the anger and hurt from past experiences can be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. It saps the precious time and energy you could be using to reach for the stars and instead wastes it on things you can do nothing about. The past is set in stone, and no amount of crying or punching the wall is going to make it magically disappear. What do we do, then? The feelings are there, and we can’t forget what caused them.
It’s not easy; that’s for sure. It takes time and an honest effort on your part, but you absolutely can forgive people and move on with your life. As far as forgetting, don’t. Keep the memories as lessons. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I was sexually abused before I could spell my name. I was sexually abused again years later by someone whom I would have trusted with my life, which resulted in a subsequent bitter betrayal I never saw coming. Years after the fact, I found out one of the people I once gave my heart to, in its entirety, only used me like an object, like some kind of practice dummy, and never actually loved me back. More recently, I was rejected and emotionally crushed, with zero explanation, by my own biological father and sister right after I found out they existed, just a few years ago. Most recently, I was ex-communicated by my close friend of 20+ years with absolutely no rhyme or reason, let alone warning. What’s more? I have OCD like nobody’s business. I get something on my mind, and it tortures me for days, weeks... decades. If that isn’t bad enough, consider that some of the most painful events I’ve dealt with gave me no closure whatsoever, adding straight-up gasoline to my already raging OCD firestorm. It was agony, and I’ll admit I felt more like wishing for a house to fall on any one of them than to find it in my heart to forgive.
It wasn’t until I read an eye-opening article one day that I finally understood why, other than because of my faith, I should forgive those people. I finally understood it. By surrendering in my own way, I would find relief. First, I recognized that those people are not me, and no amount of my over-thinking things can help me make sense of their actions. People are just people, and sometimes they do dumb and hurtful things. There’s not always a good reason or even any reason at all. Secondly, their actions toward me do not in any way define me as a person. I had no control over what they chose to do. The false beliefs I formed about myself as a result of their actions, such as my feeling like a victim, feeling powerless, feeling unworthy, etc. were the real trauma, rather than the events themselves. I had to not only forgive them, but I also had to forgive myself. That was even harder. When you beat yourself up day in and day out with all that negative self-talk, it is really hard to do a 180-degree turn and start treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve.
The feelings linger, even when you let go of grudges and such, but the freedom you do get from forgiving is incredible. Holding onto all that baggage makes you live in the past, and you miss out on the moment. You’re giving a place in your heart and your thoughts to people who don’t deserve it. Life is way too short. Have one more good, long cry, and flip the bird to the past. Move on with your life, and enjoy it to the fullest. When the past tries to resurface, pick it up, tie a rock to it, and throw that thing back out to sea. You have the option to choose what has a place in your life and what doesn’t. Forgive them, for you.
