I sit on the steps, wrapping my fingers around the curves of the mug, rocking back and forth. In the distance, a streetlamp blinks slowly, revealing a slow-developed crack in the pavement. Behind me, cars zoom past, tires kissing the pavement in a shh shh shh. I close my eyes, breathing in my surroundings. The night is startlingly serene, despite the chaos inside my head.
That's the truth, isn't it?
The world moves at the same pace, regardless of our internal landscape. A few hours earlier I had received a message from a darker part of my past. If my life were a movie, this might be the part where I pick up my phone and reread the message. I'd realize that yes, some apologies are capable of eradicating past mistakes. I'd reopen that door.
But, this is reality. I press block instead.
In the past, I might have considered answering, and maybe even apologizing. After all, relationships are a two player game. But it's been two years, and I've lived countless lives since then. It seems strange to shift from best friends to strangers, but some experiences require this distance.
Namely, gaslighting. It's more common than you think.
Psychology Today defines gaslighting as, "a tactic of behavior in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality." To an unsuspecting reader, this may sound like something out of a bad horror movie. It is, and it isn't. It happens with friends, families, authorities, and, most dangerously, with partners.
Gaslighting is accomplished through consistent manipulation, to the point where the person experiencing it is no longer able to distinguish truth from the lies. They wear down on you over time, they tell you everyone else is a liar, they will do anything to convince you that your perception reality is unreliable.
My experience was comprised of all of these factors.
People ask me why I stayed, but I couldn't answer. You know that feeling when you're having a really bad dream, and you're trying to wake up, but you're literally frozen in place? Like bad sleep paralysis? I was living that nightmare.
Until one day, I wasn't. I wish I could say I had some grand epiphany or miraculous breakthrough, but it simple comes down to this- I felt like I was watching my life instead of living it. So I left. And I stumbled, but I've managed to stay away. Make no mistake, nothing is easy when your sanity is in question, but sometimes being petty helps. I try to remember the bad times so I won't be swayed by the nostalgia. Some days I believe the good outweighs the bad. Thankfully, most days, I don't.
As you age, you realize that relationships aren't a zero sum game. And some wrongs can't be made right. Likewise, some questions don't deserve answers. It's normal to crave reciprocity, but the truth is, it may not be what you need. I'm all about forgiveness, not so much about second chances. Or rather, third chances. It's true that people can change, but this change requires a deep devotion to self-betterment. A dedication most people can't justify.So instead of forgiving and forgetting, try living like the one that got away.
