A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

The pain you caused only proved to make me stronger.
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To all those who bullied me throughout my childhood,

I didn’t know why you chose me. I didn’t know what possessed you to be so hateful. I didn’t know what made you that way. There’s a lot I didn’t know, and still, don’t, but there is also a lot you didn’t know.

The words you said were verbal lashings to my heart. The physical assaults hurt me more emotionally than physically. The actions you took against me turned the innocent girl looking for a friend into someone who would rather sit alone in the dark. It may have been a joke for you or maybe it was even your own catharsis, but to me, it was my hell. A hell that I lived in for so many years and that still affects me today.

Each one of you played a role in my hell.

And each one of you broke a little piece of me along the way.

To the abuser, you not only hurt me with your words but also your fists. You broke my sense of security and safety.

To the pretender, you played my best friend and then turned around and left me in the dust for someone better. You broke my trust and gave me attachment issues.

To the girl on the bus, you took the insecurities of a little girl and twisted them to your own pleasure. You gave me insecurities.

To the ‘smarter’ girls, you took the one thing I considered me and the one thing I was good at and made me not believe. You broke my sense of self.

To the boys in middle school, you laughed and picked on me about my looks. Instead of encouraging me when I decided to better myself, you threw insults at my weight and laughed about it. You broke my confidence.

To the ex, you led me in with compliments and dreams of happiness. You made me open up only to break my heart out of nowhere. You closed me up.

All of you did this before I even hit high school.

I walked in with a wall already built, not knowing an army was waiting to bring it down.

I went in already broken not knowing that it could get any worse.

To the not so BFF, we were friends for years and started high school together. You kept me grounded not knowing my home life was falling apart. You added to that destruction when you said I was following you around like a lost puppy and then ditched me for the popular group. You broke my compassion.

To the not so stranger, you sat behind me thinking I couldn’t hear you. You whispered jokes about my weight and my looks to your friends and laughed. You laughed when I didn’t understand the work and worst of all, had others join you in your torment. You broke me. You were the last blow before the piñata spilled its candy.

Because of all of you, I would run home crying. Because of all of you, I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Because of all of you, I hated myself.

I struggle every day with depression because of all the hateful words you threw at me. I struggle every day with anxiety because of the insecurities you pointed out. I struggle every day to get out of bed in fear that more hateful words are going to be thrown my way or worse. I struggle every day because of you.

I don’t make friends easily out of the fear of being left behind or being hurt. I lack the confidence to approach people out of fear I might do or say something wrong. And I constantly worry about whether the people around are talking about me or laughing at me.

You all turned me into this closed off, depressed, anxious, insecure, tense, and an emotionally stunted woman I am today, and I want to thank you. I may not be able to readily forgive all of you completely yet, but without you, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I am strong because I know my weakness.

I am beautiful because I am aware of my flaws.

I am a lover because I have felt hate.

And I can laugh because I have known sadness.

You all helped me to achieve this.

I’m not going to lie, I have my bad times where I wallow and pity myself. Days where I just wonder why did you target me? But, I have surrounded myself with people who actually love and care about me and they drag me out of the dark holes I throw myself into.

So, while, yes, I still do have struggles, I fight them every day. They show me the strength I possess and the support system I have surrounded myself with. So, thank you for making me the fighter I am today.

Sincerely,

The girl who is tired of being your victim.
Cover Image Credit: pixabay.com

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I Ghosted My Old Self For 5 Months In An Effort To Reevaluate My Life

My life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

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BREAKING (not fake) NEWS: It's true, you have to hit your lowest before hitting your highest.

I want to share my lowest with you, and I'm almost ashamed to say it had nothing to do with the loss of both of my parents. I like to think I handled that like a warrior.

Turns out I didn't, and the hurt I've been burying from that hit me all at once, the same moment my life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

My life flipped upside down overnight back in August. I had my heart broken shattered, lost two very important friendships that I thought were with me until the end, lost my 9-5 job, my health took a hit stronger than a boulder, and I was absolutely lost. For the first time, ever, I let go of the reigns on my own life. I had no idea how to handle myself, how to make anyone around me happy, how to get out of bed or how to even begin the process of trying to process what the f*ck just happened. I was terrified.

Coming from the girl who never encountered a dilemma she couldn't fix instantaneously, on her own, with no emotional burden. I was checked out from making my life better. So I didn't try. I didn't even think about thinking about trying.

The only relatively understandable way I could think to deal with anything was to not deal with anything. And that's exactly what I did. And it was f*cking amazing.

I went into hiding for a week, then went on a week getaway with my family, regained that feeling of being loved unconditionally, and realized that's all I need. They are all I need. Friends? Nah. Family. Only. Always.

On that vacation, I got a call from the school district that they wanted me in for an interview the day I come home. It was for a position that entailed every single class, combined, that I took in my college career. It was a career that I had just gotten my degree for three months before.

I came home and saw my doctor and got a health plan in order. I was immediately thrown into the month-long hiring process for work. I made it a point to make sunset every single night, alone, to make sure I was mentally caught up and in-check at the same exact speed that my life was turning. I was not about to lose my control again. Not ever.

Since August, I have spent more time with family than ever. I've read over 10 new books, I've discovered so much new music, I went on some of my best, the worst and funniest first dates, I made true, loyal friends that cause me zero stress while completely drowning me in overwhelming amounts of love and support, I got back into yoga, and I started that job and damn near fell more in love with it than I ever was for the guy I lost over the summer.

But most importantly, I changed my mindset. I promised myself to not say a single sentence that has a negative tone to it. I promised myself to think three times before engaging in any type of personal conversation. I promised myself to wake up in a good mood every damn day because I'm alive and that is the only factor I should need to be happy.

Take it from a girl who knew her words were weapons and used them frequently before deciding to turn every aspect of her life into positivity — even in the midst of losing one of my closest family members. I have been told multiple times, by people so dear to me that I'm "glowing." You know what I said back? F*ck yes I am, and I deserve to.

I am so happy with myself and it has nothing to do with the things around me. It's so much deeper than that, and I'm beaming with pride. Of myself. For myself.

I want to leave you with these thoughts that those people who have hurt me, left me, and loved me through these last couple of months have taught me

Growth is sometimes a lonely process.
Some things go too deep to ever be forgotten.
You need to give yourself the permission to be happy right now.
You outgrow people you thought you couldn't live without, and you're not the one to blame for that. You're growing.
Sometimes it takes your break down to reach your breakthrough.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

My god, it's so f*cking good.

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Failing Doesn't Make You A Failure But Giving Up Does

That is one word they never have to call you.

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There are many titles you receive when you do something just once. One decision can stay with you until you move to a new town and change your name. Until one day your wife wants to visit your hometown. You tell her that there's no reason to see it but she insists that "it's where you grew up so it is important." You give in and while walking around you try so hard to avoid anyone who looks faintly familiar.

Then suddenly you hear someone yell "Ay, pollo-pollo." Your heart sinks painfully slow while your wife turns and faces the very same person who first gave you that nickname. You don't even remember why you got this name so you can't even begin to explain to your wife why a man in his early 30s was calling you a chicken. You could lie and play it off as you being a rowdy child, but the fear that the actual origin story is worse may be revealed keeps your mouth closed shut.

You get my point.

There are names that just stay with you no matter what, but the one title that doesn't have to is "failure." You are only a failure the second you give up. Trying again no matter the odds or standing up when you've been knocked down makes you anything but a failure.

You can give yourself a title or someone else can give you hundreds, but failure isn't one. You typically gain nicknames by doing something but failure is earned when you do nothing. The only person who can dictate if you have earned it is yourself. Failing a class or losing a job only stays with you if you don't try again and go on.

Don't allow anyone to call you something you know you aren't and never visit your home town even if your wife insists.

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