To all those who bullied me throughout my childhood,
I didn’t know why you chose me. I didn’t know what possessed you to be so hateful. I didn’t know what made you that way. There’s a lot I didn’t know, and still, don’t, but there is also a lot you didn’t know.
The words you said were verbal lashings to my heart. The physical assaults hurt me more emotionally than physically. The actions you took against me turned the innocent girl looking for a friend into someone who would rather sit alone in the dark. It may have been a joke for you or maybe it was even your own catharsis, but to me, it was my hell. A hell that I lived in for so many years and that still affects me today.
Each one of you played a role in my hell.
And each one of you broke a little piece of me along the way.
To the abuser, you not only hurt me with your words but also your fists. You broke my sense of security and safety.
To the pretender, you played my best friend and then turned around and left me in the dust for someone better. You broke my trust and gave me attachment issues.
To the girl on the bus, you took the insecurities of a little girl and twisted them to your own pleasure. You gave me insecurities.
To the ‘smarter’ girls, you took the one thing I considered me and the one thing I was good at and made me not believe. You broke my sense of self.
To the boys in middle school, you laughed and picked on me about my looks. Instead of encouraging me when I decided to better myself, you threw insults at my weight and laughed about it. You broke my confidence.
To the ex, you led me in with compliments and dreams of happiness. You made me open up only to break my heart out of nowhere. You closed me up.
All of you did this before I even hit high school.
I walked in with a wall already built, not knowing an army was waiting to bring it down.
I went in already broken not knowing that it could get any worse.
To the not so BFF, we were friends for years and started high school together. You kept me grounded not knowing my home life was falling apart. You added to that destruction when you said I was following you around like a lost puppy and then ditched me for the popular group. You broke my compassion.
To the not so stranger, you sat behind me thinking I couldn’t hear you. You whispered jokes about my weight and my looks to your friends and laughed. You laughed when I didn’t understand the work and worst of all, had others join you in your torment. You broke me. You were the last blow before the piñata spilled its candy.
Because of all of you, I would run home crying. Because of all of you, I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Because of all of you, I hated myself.
I struggle every day with depression because of all the hateful words you threw at me. I struggle every day with anxiety because of the insecurities you pointed out. I struggle every day to get out of bed in fear that more hateful words are going to be thrown my way or worse. I struggle every day because of you.
I don’t make friends easily out of the fear of being left behind or being hurt. I lack the confidence to approach people out of fear I might do or say something wrong. And I constantly worry about whether the people around are talking about me or laughing at me.
You all turned me into this closed off, depressed, anxious, insecure, tense, and an emotionally stunted woman I am today, and I want to thank you. I may not be able to readily forgive all of you completely yet, but without you, I wouldn’t be who I am.
I am strong because I know my weakness.
I am beautiful because I am aware of my flaws.
I am a lover because I have felt hate.
And I can laugh because I have known sadness.
You all helped me to achieve this.
I’m not going to lie, I have my bad times where I wallow and pity myself. Days where I just wonder why did you target me? But, I have surrounded myself with people who actually love and care about me and they drag me out of the dark holes I throw myself into.
So, while, yes, I still do have struggles, I fight them every day. They show me the strength I possess and the support system I have surrounded myself with. So, thank you for making me the fighter I am today.
Sincerely,The girl who is tired of being your victim.