A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

The pain you caused only proved to make me stronger.

To all those who bullied me throughout my childhood,

I didn’t know why you chose me. I didn’t know what possessed you to be so hateful. I didn’t know what made you that way. There’s a lot I didn’t know, and still, don’t, but there is also a lot you didn’t know.

The words you said were verbal lashings to my heart. The physical assaults hurt me more emotionally than physically. The actions you took against me turned the innocent girl looking for a friend into someone who would rather sit alone in the dark. It may have been a joke for you or maybe it was even your own catharsis, but to me, it was my hell. A hell that I lived in for so many years and that still affects me today.

Each one of you played a role in my hell.

And each one of you broke a little piece of me along the way.

To the abuser, you not only hurt me with your words but also your fists. You broke my sense of security and safety.

To the pretender, you played my best friend and then turned around and left me in the dust for someone better. You broke my trust and gave me attachment issues.

To the girl on the bus, you took the insecurities of a little girl and twisted them to your own pleasure. You gave me insecurities.

To the ‘smarter’ girls, you took the one thing I considered me and the one thing I was good at and made me not believe. You broke my sense of self.

To the boys in middle school, you laughed and picked on me about my looks. Instead of encouraging me when I decided to better myself, you threw insults at my weight and laughed about it. You broke my confidence.

To the ex, you led me in with compliments and dreams of happiness. You made me open up only to break my heart out of nowhere. You closed me up.

All of you did this before I even hit high school.

I walked in with a wall already built, not knowing an army was waiting to bring it down.

I went in already broken not knowing that it could get any worse.

To the not so BFF, we were friends for years and started high school together. You kept me grounded not knowing my home life was falling apart. You added to that destruction when you said I was following you around like a lost puppy and then ditched me for the popular group. You broke my compassion.

To the not so stranger, you sat behind me thinking I couldn’t hear you. You whispered jokes about my weight and my looks to your friends and laughed. You laughed when I didn’t understand the work and worst of all, had others join you in your torment. You broke me. You were the last blow before the piñata spilled its candy.

Because of all of you, I would run home crying. Because of all of you, I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Because of all of you, I hated myself.

I struggle every day with depression because of all the hateful words you threw at me. I struggle every day with anxiety because of the insecurities you pointed out. I struggle every day to get out of bed in fear that more hateful words are going to be thrown my way or worse. I struggle every day because of you.

I don’t make friends easily out of the fear of being left behind or being hurt. I lack the confidence to approach people out of fear I might do or say something wrong. And I constantly worry about whether the people around are talking about me or laughing at me.

You all turned me into this closed off, depressed, anxious, insecure, tense, and an emotionally stunted woman I am today, and I want to thank you. I may not be able to readily forgive all of you completely yet, but without you, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I am strong because I know my weakness.

I am beautiful because I am aware of my flaws.

I am a lover because I have felt hate.

And I can laugh because I have known sadness.

You all helped me to achieve this.

I’m not going to lie, I have my bad times where I wallow and pity myself. Days where I just wonder why did you target me? But, I have surrounded myself with people who actually love and care about me and they drag me out of the dark holes I throw myself into.

So, while, yes, I still do have struggles, I fight them every day. They show me the strength I possess and the support system I have surrounded myself with. So, thank you for making me the fighter I am today.

Sincerely,

The girl who is tired of being your victim.
Cover Image Credit: pixabay.com

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17 Things To Leave In 2017

Nobody has time to completely reinvent themselves every single year… and the phrase “new year, new me” is tired. However, there are some definite benefits to taking advantage of the clean slate that a new year brings. As January unfolds, there are a few small changes we can all make in order for 2018 to be more positive and productive than 2017 was.

To help with this, I have compiled a list of the 17 things you should leave in 2017.

1. Negative people

I’m sure just reading that brought some people to mind. We’re all guilty of only being friends with someone to watch their drama unfold. The 2018 version of you doesn’t have ANY time for that. Do some friends list clean-up and invest that time in being productive.

2. Your bad attitude

Some days are harder than others but 2018 is no place for unwarranted negativity. Accept things you can’t change and realize you are in control of your attitude towards situations and other people.

3. Unhealthy habits

It is easier to make changes amidst other changes. With the new year having just started, as well as work/school resuming after the holidays, you’ll find it is easier to leave unhealthy habits in the past.

4. One-sided relationships

2017 you might have just given and given to people without getting anything in return, but that’s exhausting and your new year's resolution was to get more rest. In 2018 we are valuing our time and only giving it to people who appreciate it.

5. Unrealistic expectations

I would love nothing more than to just fast-forward to the part of adulthood where I’m financially stable (and mentally stable) but I realize that doesn’t happen overnight and I’m doing what I can now to try and get there.

6. Comparisons

Sure *Sally* you graduated high school with is doing well, and so are you! We are all on our own timeline. There is no one formula for what success looks like, focus on bettering yourself instead of comparing yourself to others.

7. Your ex

Y’all didn’t work out for a reason and 2018 you is way too good for him/her/whomever. Delete his number, stop stalking her Facebook, and then they won’t be hogging anymore of your precious mental space.

8. Splurging

Yeah, it’s important to treat yo’self every once in a while, but how many things did you buy just because *Sally* has one and you saw her picture on Instagram?

9. Anxieties

I get worked up about pretty much anything and I’m trying to leave all that behind. You should too. I just pretend like certain situations are chill until they no longer make me feel anxious. Fake it ‘till you make it 2018.

10. Social media over-sharing

2018 is the year you’re buying a journal. I’m talking to you *Carol*.

11. Food pictures

Everybody eats. Sometimes food is exceptional and that’s great. Put your iPhone down and eat. I walked by someone taking a picture of their meal when I was in NYC and he looked like a psychopath.

Bonus points if you can come up with a better hashtag than #foodporn, that just gets me every time.

12. Excuses

2018 is the year you’re owning your sh*t. If you can do it, great. If you fall short, admit it. If you want to stay in for the night instead of going out with your friends, just tell them, don’t flake or make up a story.

13. Pettiness

Sometimes it’s difficult to be the better person but 2018 is all about taking the high road.

14. Unused items

Have you been hanging on to those old t-shirts for years and you haven’t worn them yet? Donate them! Or turn them into a t-shirt quilt!

15. Clutter

2018 you is organized and sensible, like a perfect Instagram spread. Your purse is void of old receipts and gum wrappers. Your pockets aren’t full of used tissues and random coins. Your room is clean and you are thriving.

16. Bad blood (no, not the T Swift song)

Holding grudges can be mentally taxing and even when you’re thinking about how much you dislike someone, you’re still thinking about them.

17. Closed-mindedness

2018 is the year of being open to new experiences. Try new things, travel to new places, talk to someone you wouldn’t have spoken with before. You never know what new information or perspectives are out there until you open yourself up to them.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Girl Who Is Making 2018 Her Year

Leave 2017 behind, own the year in front of you.

To the girl who's looking for a fresh start in 2018,

You made it. You survived the holidays, the couple pictures that have been swarming Instagram since Thanksgiving and the interrogations from family asking about your future goals and questioning your major. You made it through New Years as the single friend, and you're still breathing after having to go a month without your college besties.

As you sit and reflect on the last year, it may not have been what you hoped for, a year to make something of yourself, and become the person of your dreams, and may have ended with nothing more than high-stress levels and dreams that still seem out of reach... but the good news?

2018 was made for you.

If you are going into this year doubtful and afraid, know that you are not alone. It is hard to believe that after such an exhausting year coming to end that you can come back and take this year head on, but the truth is, the only person holding yourself back is you.

When I say this year is made for you, I mean it.

I, like many of you have been waiting for "my year" to finally achieve my goals or soar above and beyond expectations. The thing I have come to realize though is that I am the only one who is prohibiting that from happening.

You may be afraid to fail, or maybe you think that your dreams are just too far out there to be true, but I have a challenge for you...

I dare you to accomplish one goal a day, whether that is enjoying your accounting class or applying for your dream job, I dare you to do it!

Why? Because I have sat around for years letting my fears get the best of me, letting myself believe that NEXT year will be my year, but to myself and so many others, I am telling you right now, make THIS year your year!

This is a year of renewal, risk-taking and dream chasing.

I encourage you to make a list of ways you want to grow this year, not resolutions, but characteristics. Maybe you want to be "bold," "courageous" or "adventurous." Once you have these words I want you to make them as big and bright as you can and put them somewhere you will see them every day.

Look at these words constantly, do not just skim them but really put some thought into them and make a conscious effort into achieving them.

Every year has the opportunity to be "your year" but the only time this is ever going to happen is when YOU decide that it is going to be YOUR year!

So do it! Take the plunge and decide that 2018 is for you!

So whether 2017 was not what you wished for because of a relationship, a job or school, it is officially in the past and 2018 is here to allow growth and happiness in all the spaces where it may have lacked before.

Enjoy this year and allow yourself to soar, you deserve this!

Best,

The girl who is leaving 2017 behind

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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