A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

A Letter To My Childhood Bullies, From The Girl Who Is Tired Of Being Your Victim

The pain you caused only proved to make me stronger.
78
views

To all those who bullied me throughout my childhood,

I didn’t know why you chose me. I didn’t know what possessed you to be so hateful. I didn’t know what made you that way. There’s a lot I didn’t know, and still, don’t, but there is also a lot you didn’t know.

The words you said were verbal lashings to my heart. The physical assaults hurt me more emotionally than physically. The actions you took against me turned the innocent girl looking for a friend into someone who would rather sit alone in the dark. It may have been a joke for you or maybe it was even your own catharsis, but to me, it was my hell. A hell that I lived in for so many years and that still affects me today.

Each one of you played a role in my hell.

And each one of you broke a little piece of me along the way.

To the abuser, you not only hurt me with your words but also your fists. You broke my sense of security and safety.

To the pretender, you played my best friend and then turned around and left me in the dust for someone better. You broke my trust and gave me attachment issues.

To the girl on the bus, you took the insecurities of a little girl and twisted them to your own pleasure. You gave me insecurities.

To the ‘smarter’ girls, you took the one thing I considered me and the one thing I was good at and made me not believe. You broke my sense of self.

To the boys in middle school, you laughed and picked on me about my looks. Instead of encouraging me when I decided to better myself, you threw insults at my weight and laughed about it. You broke my confidence.

To the ex, you led me in with compliments and dreams of happiness. You made me open up only to break my heart out of nowhere. You closed me up.

All of you did this before I even hit high school.

I walked in with a wall already built, not knowing an army was waiting to bring it down.

I went in already broken not knowing that it could get any worse.

To the not so BFF, we were friends for years and started high school together. You kept me grounded not knowing my home life was falling apart. You added to that destruction when you said I was following you around like a lost puppy and then ditched me for the popular group. You broke my compassion.

To the not so stranger, you sat behind me thinking I couldn’t hear you. You whispered jokes about my weight and my looks to your friends and laughed. You laughed when I didn’t understand the work and worst of all, had others join you in your torment. You broke me. You were the last blow before the piñata spilled its candy.

Because of all of you, I would run home crying. Because of all of you, I built a wall around myself to protect myself. Because of all of you, I hated myself.

I struggle every day with depression because of all the hateful words you threw at me. I struggle every day with anxiety because of the insecurities you pointed out. I struggle every day to get out of bed in fear that more hateful words are going to be thrown my way or worse. I struggle every day because of you.

I don’t make friends easily out of the fear of being left behind or being hurt. I lack the confidence to approach people out of fear I might do or say something wrong. And I constantly worry about whether the people around are talking about me or laughing at me.

You all turned me into this closed off, depressed, anxious, insecure, tense, and an emotionally stunted woman I am today, and I want to thank you. I may not be able to readily forgive all of you completely yet, but without you, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I am strong because I know my weakness.

I am beautiful because I am aware of my flaws.

I am a lover because I have felt hate.

And I can laugh because I have known sadness.

You all helped me to achieve this.

I’m not going to lie, I have my bad times where I wallow and pity myself. Days where I just wonder why did you target me? But, I have surrounded myself with people who actually love and care about me and they drag me out of the dark holes I throw myself into.

So, while, yes, I still do have struggles, I fight them every day. They show me the strength I possess and the support system I have surrounded myself with. So, thank you for making me the fighter I am today.

Sincerely,

The girl who is tired of being your victim.
Cover Image Credit: pixabay.com

Popular Right Now

To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
2584884
views

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black-and-white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

I Don't Have To Wear Makeup To Be Beautiful

You don't have to, either.

420
views

For about as long as modern makeup/cosmetics/skincare brands have been around, the notion that women have to use any of these cosmetic products to be considered "beautiful" has also been around.

(If you've read my earlier article about red lipstick giving me my confidence back, you would know that I absolutely adore certain skincare/makeup products.)

However, I personally don't believe that I need to wear any kind of makeup to be considered "beautiful." And you don't, either.

I think that we, as a society, have seriously overvalued aesthetic beauty and undervalued the beauty that comes from being a decent, honest, genuine, and kind person. I believe that while makeup has an incredible and transformation-giving effect on women, (and men too, just for the record), that none of us honestly should depend on x, y, and z products to make us feel that we are beautiful, or that our self worth and sense of self should be tied up in how many likes a selfie of us in a full face of makeup get.

And quite frankly, there is so much to love about our makeup free, naturally glowing skin that so many of us hide, simply because society would love to tell us that we're not beautiful, or pretty, or worth very much at all if we don't use [insert new trendy skincare product here].

Well, excuse my French, but I'm calling bull.

It's not okay for any of us to think of ourselves as less than, simply because we're not following those crazy and crappy societal trends. In a culture where "Instagram perfect" pictures are the ideal that every woman, or man, is expected to look up to, I'd say it's pretty revolutionary to dare to bare a fresh-faced look.

No one has to ever feel the need to compulsively put on makeup to be considered "beautiful."

Because, in all reality, makeup can't measure the kind of person you are.

Makeup/skincare products can't measure your kindness, your generosity, your bravery in the face of adversity, or any other kickass quality that you might have. Makeup can't do that; only what's inside of you, if brought out for the world to see, can do that. And yes, I'm well aware of how cliché and "junior high preachy" that sounds.

So, I hope this article will possibly spark some introspective thoughts on what beauty means to you. I hope you start to think about the fact that who you are as a person is not defined by how "attractive" or "beautiful" someone else might tell you you are.

You define who you are as a person, nobody else has that power.

Related Content

Facebook Comments