October is a month of many things: scary movies, costume parties, candy, breast cancer awareness, and of course Halloween itself, but it is also LGBT history month.
Our allies, and us in the LGBT community, look back in reverence at the many events that brought the movement to where it is today. From the overturning of the anti-sodomy law, with Lawerence v. Texas, to the recent historic decision by our supreme court to make same-sex marriage legal throughout the land in Oberefell v. Hodges, we commemorate all of these events and the people that made them possible.
October 11th is national coming out day, for us in the LGBT community. It is a day where those who are trapped in the closet can reach out to other and find support. Those of us who have come out share our stories, in hopes that other less fortunate than use can find courage and fortitude in them. Not all coming out stories have a happy ending, but luckily such stories are becoming an endangered species.
Most people think coming out is just telling someone that you’re gay, but it about so much more than that. It’s about honesty, freedom, expression, and acceptance.
Never being able to be yourself, always having to watch what you say or do, because it might be perceived as “gay,” knowing that every single moment of your life that you are just living in one big lie; the stress that all of this causes is suffocating.
It is often said things get easier the more you do them, the first time is always the hardest. Well that is certainly true when it comes to coming out. My first time coming out was so difficult I nearly fainted from the fear.
It was all so unplanned. I just remember sitting in my room staring at the wall, feeling like if I didn’t tell someone, if I didn’t talk to someone about it, I would go back into a downward spiral, and this time I wouldn’t survive it.
Susie, my step-mom, seemed like the most logical choice, when deciding who to tell. She was the sweetest person I ever met; surly she wouldn’t hate me, when I told her.
I walked out into the living room where she sat watching TV. It was only she and I in the house. There would be no better time to tell her.
I sat on the opposite side of the couch too frightened to sit next to her. My heart was beating so hard I could have sworn it was visible to see each pulse in my chest. She could obviously see something was bothering me. “What’s wrong hun?” She asked in her normal sweet voice.
“Susie,” I started, my voice strained, “I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?” Her voice was much calmer than mine, but it did nothing to alleviate the tension I the air.
I was at a lost for words, I just knew I had to prepare her for the news. “When I tell you this, you will never look at me the same again.”
She smiled a genuine loving smile, “André I would never look at you any different, no matter what you told me. You’re like my child now.”
There was a silence. I couldn’t say the words. They clung to my throat, unyielding. “You can tell me. What’s wrong?” She coxed.
It was now or never. I finally mustered the courage to tell her; for the thought of not telling her was far more painful. I couldn’t live with the torment of not being myself any longer. I took a breath, and then I spoke, “Susie, I’m… gay.” My voice cracked and I felt the tears welling up, but I held them back.
Her eyes stared at me wide with shock. Her gentle smile faded and she looked at me perplexed. The room fell silent; as if even the sound of the TV froze from my words.
I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up; my chest felt heavy and my breathing become painful. It was as though just existing was a challenge.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence, which was actually no more than 2 seconds, Susie started to shake her head. “No-no you’re not,” she said in disbelief.
“I am,” I said between heavy sobs.
“There’s no way you are gay, Andr-”
“But I am Susie!” I shouted, interrupting her, “I know I am.” My voice was loud but still shacking and heavy with sorrow, “I’ve known for years now!” I lost it then. The emotional dame I constructed could no longer hold back the serge of tears, and they rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks.
She tried to stop my hysteric crying by gestured with her hands form me to calm down saying, “Shhhhh,” but it didn’t register.
I just continued to rant, “I’m sorry Susie. I tried ignoring it, I tried denying it, I tired changing! Nothing works! No matter how hard I try I-“
Suddenly Susie leaned forward and pulled me into her, embracing me tightly in her arms. I fell silent as I buried my face into her shoulder and sobbed.
“Shhhh, hun.” She said, rubbing my back affectionately, “I just meant you might be confused, but if you are sure about this then I believe you.” She then gently pushed me off of her and held me by my shoulders just in front her, “I will never look at you differently. You being gay is just a small part of who you are.” She wiped the tears from my cheeks with her finger. “You’re also smart, sweet, and athletic. There are so many great things about you, being gay is just one more thing to add to the list.”
At that moment another wave of tears poured from my eyes. Though this time they were tears of utter joy. I breathed a soft, “Thank you,” into her ear as I jumped back into her embrace.
I was very fortunate with my first coming out experience. Not all are as lucky as I was and still am with the acceptance I encounter. Susie did more than just accepted who I was, she unlocked a door in me that lead to me accepting myself.
For those of you out there, who have unaccepting families, just know you always have a family in the LGBT community who will embrace and accept you for who you are.
