Today I walked with two girl friends from our university to a friend’s house. It was a very short walk, but within seconds of stepping off of campus we were catcalled.
Here’s what happened.
The day was hot so we were dressed for the weather.
A single man driving a pickup truck drove passed us. He slowed, stuck his head of the window and yelled “white hoes!” with an unsettling smile. He proceeded to stare us down even after he had passed.
It was awful.
When we arrived at our destination we told our friends, who happened to be males, what had happened. They listened intently, then they responded.
“You should take it as a compliment.”
“Well I mean, look what you are wearing.”
I was shocked.
And now I am going to talk about it.
For those of you who don’t know, catcalling is when someone makes a comment or gesture of sexual nature at a human passing by. This was not the first time I had been cat called, but it is one that I will always remember because of the response I received from my guy friends.
I just don’t think they understand.
Over the past few days, I asked some guys at my college if they had ever been cat called. Out of everyone I asked, only one of them said yes. When I asked him what was said, he responded “hey sexy” and mentioned that she winked and looked him up and down. She was older but not too much older; late 20’s, early 30’s. He didn’t know this woman, he had never seen her in his life and he did not respond to her. I then asked how he felt about it.
“It was pretty flattering to be honest, I didn’t mind at all.”
Imagine if the story was reversed.
A woman walking alone, passing a man she had never seen before. He is older but not too much older. The man calls out to her “hey sexy” and then winks while looking her up and down. She keeps walking.
How is the woman feeling?
She feels scared. She feels vulnerable. She feels uncomfortable. She feels violated.
This woman was walking past an unfamiliar man with no intentions of anything besides continuing on. Instead, she was objectified and demoralized. His comments were not flattering, his comments were out of line, his comments were not asked for, his comments were scary.
Even though nothing extended the comments, doesn’t mean there aren’t extended affects on the woman. She continues to think about it; every time she does her heart will race and she will feel the same vulnerability she had had. She will wonder if it was her fault.
Were my vibes sexual towards him? I didn’t think they were but they could have been.
What was he looking at? I thought I was fully covered but my cleavage may have been too much.
Was my outfit too revealing? I guess my cleavage was out and my pants were pretty tight, I should stop dressing like that.
Did he have other intentions? I bet he was just being nice, but he could have done so much more.
Is he following me? He wouldn’t. Would he? Maybe I don’t know him but he knows me. Is my address online? Did he see where I went? Has he known me for a while?
Should I have said something? Or done something differently?Thank you? Or smiled? But it made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was a compliment.
Was it my fault? It must have been, I was asking for it.
Stop.
That woman is your best friend. That woman is your girlfriend. Wife. That woman is your sister. That woman is your cousin, aunt. That woman is your mom. That woman is your woman.
She didn’t ask for it. The interaction wasn’t a compliment. It was harassment. No matter what she was doing, how she responded, what she was wearing or if she knew him.
It was not her fault.
I feel as though catcalling is something that too often is thrown under the rug as no big deal. But it is a big deal, no matter how small of an interaction it is. The sad thing is that most men don’t understand this. The emotions a woman feels both during and after a catcall are not emotions many men will ever feel. Yes, men do get catcalled. But the comparison between a woman’s experience and a man’s are not comparable. They never will be. Men and women are not wired the same, that’s the problem.
The next time a woman in your life is catcalled, be thankful that was all that happened, but don’t tell her that she’s lucky.
Ask her if she is okay. Listen to her. Hug her. Remind her that it wasn’t her fault. Sympathize with her. Tell her how beautiful she is.
If you can look a woman in the eyes that was catcalled and tell her that it wasn’t a big deal, in a sense, you are the catcaller.
The actions posed against that woman, the actions posed against my friends and I, they were disgusting. Uncalled for. Unprovoked. Ill intentioned. Violating. Demeaning. That man, and any other man who feels the need to catcall a woman, is not a man. He is a coward.
Catcalling is never asked for, is never a compliment and is never okay.
Understand that.
