When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer less than a month before college began, I was sure I had hit rock bottom. I laid in bed and cried, asking God, “Why me?” and “Why now?” This phase lasted for a few weeks, but then something inside of me changed. Instead of moping and fearing, I began to get angry. I was pissed off and I was bound and determined not to let a couple of stupid cells run my life. At that moment, I made a conscious decision to make the most of every moment of my life, including the experience of being diagnosed with cancer at age 19.
I never imagined myself being sick. Throughout my life to that point, I always felt somewhat invincible. I lived in a small town where tragedy didn’t often occur. I’ve always kept myself busy with school work and friends and extracurriculars. I’m so blessed to say that no one in my immediate family ever experienced cancer, which is somewhat rare these days. I had always taken care of myself. I had only used a tanning bed once in my life. So naturally, I wondered why me, of all people, would develop cancer. I now realize how incredibly stupid that way of thinking is. One specific doctor’s appointment changed my life forever.
I was visiting a pediatric oncologist and as a 19 year old, I was definitely the oldest patient in the hospital. When I exited the waiting room and entered the area with the exam rooms, my heart instantly sank to my knees. I had seen video clips and photos on late night television asking for donations for various children’s hospitals, but that was nothing like experiencing it firsthand. I watched children with sickly faces and not a trace of hair play in their hospital beds attached to machines, smiling and laughing, un-phased by their condition. Children who were so young that they had probably never got to experience the life that awaited them beyond their hospital bed. I looked at their parents’ tired smiles and sad eyes as they watched them play, desperate to keep them happy and comfortable no matter what. A wave of grief overcame me and then for the first time, strangely enough, I felt truly lucky to be in that hospital. It was indescribable to witness the strength in those children. They gave me a reason to fight.
People are always confused when I say that having cancer has been a bittersweet experience. The bitterness is somewhat obvious. But I know that if I hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, I would have never appreciated my life the way I do now. The truth is, there’s no right time and no right person for cancer. Those innocent children sure deserved it less than I did. I’m glad I was diagnosed with cancer rather than another one of those kids or a single mom or an elderly person because I can handle it. I am young and strong and there isn’t anyone depending on me. The truth is, there’s actually no one more equipped to deal with such adversity and difficulty than me. And for that, I thank God for letting me test my strength. I have gained so much mental resiliency from this experience. I have learned the appreciation nurses deserve (because mine were seriously the best). I have learned how incredibly loved I am. I have learned how strong my support system can be for me. I have learned that I don’t always have to be OK, because I will always have the best people to fall back on.
As my freshman year of college comes to a close, I can’t help but smile at how far I have come. Looking back nine months ago, I wasn't sure college was going to be an option for me this year. But from moving into my dorm just one week after surgery against my nurse's wishes, to rushing a sorority and meeting my best friends in the universe and experiencing all that college should be, I am so blessed. As I prepare for (hopefully) my last round of radioactive iodine treatment, I can’t help but feel guilty. To be almost cancer-free while so many others are just starting their long and arduous journey doesn’t seem fair. I participated in the Relay for Life fundraiser on campus, in honor of those bed-ridden kids who will always remain in my mind and heart. I look forward to giving back even more in the future, and helping as many people as I can attain their dreams too, despite their temporary setback from such an awful disease. Cancer takes so much from so many, but it has given me a new perspective on life. With that being said, I encourage you to live life to the fullest. Don’t hold back. Be grateful. Show compassion. Work hard and work earnestly. Don’t let your loved ones go another second without knowing exactly how you feel. And lastly, keep it all in perspective. No matter what life throws your way, chances are someone out there is struggling far worse than you. There's nothing you can't do with a little positivity.
