There is a common belief in popular culture that declares, "Friendship is a two-way street." While mutual friendship might be the ideal, "two-way streets" can be hard to come by in this day and age. Although friendship requires a lot of hard work from both parties, I can testify to the fact that I have let my friends down and have completely barricaded my end of this so-called street. While it is important to recognize the notion of "it takes two to tango," I think we as social beings are missing the bigger picture and the risk associated with friendship. Friendship isn't always a smooth two-way street and neither are human relationships. Why is this? Maybe it's because we are selfish. Maybe it's because we fail to notice the small generosities of others. Maybe it's because humanity is imperfect due to our fallen nature. If 'being' a friend demands more of us than "having" a friend, we need to accept this attitude of service in all relationships. In this article, I would like to address all of the ways we can learn from our failed attempts at friendship and how we can pave both sides of this "street" for healthy, long-lasting relationships.
Failed Friendship Attempt #1:
When I was just 10 years old, I had the privilege of meeting one of my best friends at a Christian summer camp located in Western PA. I didn't know at the time that she was going to become one of best friends. In fact, I met her for the first time and was frightened by her fierce personality. Not only was she not afraid of anything, she was also a really strong go-getter and never backed out of any challenge. Speaking out of experience, I had to overcome my fear of her to actually be her friend. I had to be able to adopt her crazy habits of catching salamanders near dirty bridges and making "milk cannons" in the camp dining hall to shoot people with little paper wrappers behind their backs. I had to learn how to adopt her mischievous way of thinking, but regardless of what I thought was an ideal friendship with another person, I have never regretted any single mischievous moment spent with her. It takes a lot of courage on the end of our street to be able to let go of all judgmental notions and ideas to become a friend. Had I not been so wrapped up in being afraid of her, I might have been able to become a better friend from the very beginning. I think it is so easy for us to become caught up in the idea of people. It can be so easy to judge the personality and physicality cars that they drive on our side of the friendship street. Thank goodness for throwback pictures and for friends who will NOT judge us for our stylish, middle school pasts! Below is a picture of one of my best friends (far RIGHT) and I with our counselor (far LEFT) at camp.
Even though we only had the blessing of visiting each other 2 weeks out of the whole year, we made sure to keep in touch. Now, I am proud to call her one of my best friends and a college roommate. Some would argue she still enamors a pretty strong personality, but I'm glad that my sensitive side was able to overlook all of the clashes of our individual personalities. Although I will never be a fantastic rugby player or an outgoing chica, I'm so blessed to experience the unique and mischievous friendship she offers me each and everyday.
Lesson Learned: Do not judge a book by its cover. Do not judge a potential friend by their quirks. Cherish the crazy.
Failed Friendship Attempt #2:
Moving into camp for the week can be scary, but moving into college is quite a leap of faith. Come to think of it, there were plenty of times freshman year where I had to make leaps of faith as an introvert and step outside of my comfort zone to go out of my way to make new friends. Although my roommates and I deemed ourselves "The Hermits of Room 153," I had no choice as an introverted freshman but to socialize a little bit come the start of varsity swim season. Eventually, I had to step out of my hermit hole and socialize with people other than just my roommates. I had to make an effort to become friends with other swimmers on the team. There was one girl on the swim team I knew in particular that was in a lot of the same classes as me, and I really wanted to be her friend. Some could say that I had a huge "friend-crush" on this girl. She was from Mississippi (a class act Southern gal!! How cool!!) and also appeared to be somewhat sane as a swimmer. (For those of you who are non-swimmers, a sane varsity swimmer is a rare breed...). It took a lot of time and patience to reach out to be a friend. Our friendship wasn't exactly a two-way street at first, but through my persistent and (sometimes) creepy efforts, I was able to convince her to take down the orange cones on the end of her street. Apparently, I knew her name way before she could remember mine. She even had to get out her cell phone one time so I could enter my number and NAME (how embarrassing...). Ever since freshman year of college, she has become one of my closest friends on the swim team and has become such a caring sister to me. Looking back, I'm glad that I had to step out of my comfort zone to be her friend even if that friendship wasn't reciprocated for awhile. I am so happy that her sanity keeps me calm on the days where I am off-the-wall insane and that we have each other on days where everything around us is crazy. I've never had to put on a false front in front of her because she has experienced all of my efforts from the moment we first met and can read me like a book now.
I have been able to learn so much about being a friend through this particular situation. It makes me wonder why people don't go out of their way to be a friend to the people around them. Is it really socially unacceptable to introduce yourself to someone (even if there is a risk of them not remembering your name)? Why are people so reluctant to be a friend? I think it can be so easy for us to back away from others just to fall into a state of comfortable isolation. We often become obsessive by looking down at our phones and at the ground just to avoid possible eye contact. We are afraid to smile at strangers on sidewalks. We seldom become engaged by meeting new people. Imagine how many quality friendships you have missed out on just by shying away from others! There is value in approaching people and being a friend first even if the friendship is awkward for awhile. Although there is a risk of coming off as a creep, the world could be a little less lonely if we were to take initiative. It is not easy to be a friend, but it is totally worthwhile in the grand scheme of things.
Lesson Learned: Friendship requires vulnerability. If we can't get past all of the awkward moments and climb over our pride, we will miss out on the opportunities that friendships present us!
Failed Friendship Attempt #3:
We all have that one friend that stands by us through thick and thin. You know the one I am talking about. The friend who gives us a certain piece of advice but doesn't laugh at us when we fall flat on our face by choosing not to listen. Moving into college, I had the privilege of becoming really close friends with a classy and sassy individual who has offered me some of the best advice I know I have ever received. She has become my "go-to-gal" when things are rough and there have been plenty of times where the advice she has offered me has saved me from really painful experiences and situations. Sometimes, I think about how opposite we are in nature and find it funny how close we are as friends. She is very extroverted, and I am very introverted. She is very well-dressed 98% of the time, and I wear groufits. She is very type A personality, and I am very not. Regardless of our differences, she has become one of my closest friends and the person that I go to when I am in need of advice. I love her gritty build-a-bridge-and-get-over-it type of attitude and admire her strong fight. In fact, she's so talented at sharing good advice that she has been chosen as an underclassmen Resident Assistant this up and coming year! I can't wait to see how God uses her classy and sassy attitude and advice capabilities to sort out underclassmen situations.
I think we can all learn from having a friend that gives good advice even when we don't want to hear it. In a world where people are recklessly giving themselves a taste of their own advice, I think having a friend to lean on in a time of trouble is a sure sign of peace. We can refuse to listen to others, but not hearing what our friends have to say is a sure sign of failure, especially when they have our best interests at heart.
Lesson Learned: Wise counsel is rare. Be a friend with ears that listen and a heart that accepts the hard truth.
I could share so many other friendships that have taught me unforgettable lessons, but the three lessons I've learned from each of the above friendships seem tried and true. These friendships are so valuable to me, and I am learning every day how to become a better friend. Each relationship ignites a vulnerable flame inside of us that can either warm the heart of another person or roast them. Practicing and maintaining good friendships are not only necessary in order to teach us valuable lessons. They are detrimental to our social health and well-being. There will always be a certain risk associated with putting your trust in others that have the power to roast you, but the rewards are far greater than any conjured fear brought about in a relationship. Don't let your insecurities in friendship outweigh your desire for community. Always seek opportunities and new ways to be a friend to someone in need, even if there is an unsettling risk associated with forming friendship. Let's break down these cultural barriers--the ones that tell us it's uncool to befriend the weirdo or the suspicious loner--and let's make an effort to smooth out this (friendship) street.
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for a friend" (John 15:13, NIV).
