March 24, 2019. Dear you,
Thank you. Thank you for allowing me into your life since the end of November. While we might not have had the most amazing relationship, I still treasure it. You were the first boy I truly saw myself having a future with. I looked at you and I saw somebody I really liked. You were honest with me from the start. Last night, you talked about how you didn't expect to like me this much and that you were shocked at our much we clicked. I saw a true connection. As much as I'm hurting right now, I'm happy that I chose to love. "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". I believe that I gave you my all, and that's all I could have done. This week is going to suck for me.
Especially with your formal at the end of the week, with me not going. I can't believe you talked to your mom about me. I'm honestly upset that the advice she gave you didn't align with the advice my parents gave me, but that's just how life is. How different people are. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I'm annoying sometimes but you saw past that and saw me. True me. Writing this letter sucks, it's probably the hardest one. But I want to say thank you. I'm thinking of sending these letters to you. I told you about them last night, not sure if I regret that or not.
But thank you for choosing me while you did. Thank you for owning up for being a dick sometimes too. Thank you for truly apologizing. Thank you for kicking me out last night too. I was scared to drive if I'm honest, and it was a hard car ride. But I'm glad I made it.
I don't know how much harder it would have been if I would have stayed the night. I'm sorry my friends don't like you, they just don't know the true you. I mean what I said about my father respecting you. I respect you so much as well. I remember you saying that you tried to show me what a real man is like and you failed, and I admit, sometimes you did fail. But other times, like just holding me when I'm sad, is when you were a true man.
Being able to admit your feelings and your faults is what a real man does. I'm so happy that I took a chance on a text in the group chat where a girl asked if anybody wanted to go on a date night. I was so nervous that night. I didn't know who was going to walk through that door, but I ended up having such a great time that night, even though I don't remember some of it. That's one thing I loved about us. We always had a great time together, no matter what. Even just skipping date nights and building a fort in the middle of the living room, watching some crappy movie about the ocean. I'm going to miss that like hell. I've never been so comfortable with somebody like I am with you.
I don't want my life to be filled with what ifs, but if you truly don't want to try long distance, then obviously I don't want to force you to do something. If we're not both 110%, there's no point. I want you to be in my life, you are truly a light. You make me happy. But how I'm going to get over you? I have absolutely no clue. And that scares me. A lot. I know I've said this before, but I truly saw you in my future. Now, I just don't know what's going to happen.
June 6th, 2019. Dear you,
I'm okay. That's first.
I've realized that what I thought was great, wasn't. I was pretending you were what I wanted you to be, and I didn't look at your flaws. I looked at what I wanted to look at. It wasn't love, but love is blind. I understand that.
I'm still working on being independent again, but I am truly working. I am working at being a better person, for myself. I am falling in love with myself again.
I didn't know the whole story when I wrote that letter. Looking back now, I laugh a little. I didn't see what I should have, which made me romanticize you. You weren't as good as I thought you were. But this letter isn't about you, it's about me.
Everything happens for a reason. I didn't see in it that moment, but as time went on, I realized the reason. I needed to know my worth. I'm not 100% happy, but I'm confident. I realize how much of a light I am, and how I should be treated, and I thank you for showing me how I shouldn't settle. I deserve somebody who will make me feel wanted. I deserve love. I deserve happiness.
I'm not writing this letter to diss you or make you feel any sort of way. If anything, this is my closure. It's MY way of closing this chapter. It may already be closed for you, but I am different than you. Obviously. I develop real feelings, that aren't easy to develop and definitely aren't easy to shake off.
You will always have a piece of my heart, I can't deny that. You were my first real love, but you won't be my last. Thankfully. But right now, Im not by myself. I have the best love of all around me. My family, friends, and myself.
All I can say is, in the famous words of Beyonce, you're the best thing I never had.