Dear ED,

How could you? How could you lie to me for seven years of my life? I thought you were my friend; my solution to finding happiness and finally being able to love myself. It turns out that you were the exact opposite. At first, I thought you were helping me because you made it easy for me to lose weight. I started to like my appearance for the first time in my life. The number on the scale was dropping, my ribs were visible and I could feel my hipbones. I felt fragile, a feeling I started to love because you told me that being able to see my bones was a good thing. But eventually the little burst of confidence you gave me faded; you took too much of my life away from me. You told me I wouldn't be good enough for anyone unless I was skinnier. No matter how much weight I lost, you convinced me that I was worthless and that I had to lose more in order to be beautiful. Looking into the mirror was nerve wracking because instead of seeing the beauty inside of me, I saw the reflection of a broken girl who didn't know how much she was worth.

Thanks to you, I can't go a day without checking the number on the scale first thing in the morning. I hate how that number dictates whether my day will be good or if it will be spent hating myself. I hate how you have the power to decide whether I go out with my friends or not, based on how I feel about my body. You trained my mind to believe that my friends and the people around me would notice if I lost or gained a single pound. You isolated me from the ones I wanted to spend time with and forced me to spend my free time planning what I would eat for the day and when I would exercise.

Because of you, my health spiraled downward. Over the course of seven years, you came in and out of my life, but you hurt me the most during these past three years. I got eczema and felt even worse about my appearance. My hair was thinning, drying out and it was getting damaged. I was borderline anemic because I didn't have enough iron in my diet which led to even more health complications. If I got up fast, I got dizzy. I suffered from fatigue, a shortage of breath and I was too physically tired to do anything. A simple task such as brushing my hair or even putting on my clothes took a huge amount of effort because I didn't have enough energy. I was always cold,even during the summer. Along with you came your friend depression, and I would spend hours crying and wanting to escape the pain that came from you two bullying me every day. You made feel as though I would never be good enough.

I learned how to deny my hunger and filled my stomach up with water and coffee to avoid eating. If I ate over the limit of calories I allowed for myself, I hated myself for days because I felt guilty and disgusting for not being able to control the amount of food I put into my body. But you reassured me like a good friend should and told me if I restricted and exercised more the next day, everything would be fine again.

I came prepared with excuses such as "I already ate." or "I'm not really hungry." when people asked me if I wanted to grab lunch or dinner. Thanks to you, eating in front of others became difficult for me.

Because of you I dreaded going shopping for clothes. You told me that I looked overweight in every pair of jeans I tried on even though I wore a size 00 or a 0. You told me that the red dress I tried on made my arms and legs look huge even though it was slipping off of my thin frame. I tried not to believe you, but you were an expert at lying.

I lost friends because I couldn't explain to them that you were the one holding me back from going out with them. I missed out on so many wonderful experiences because you told me that I didn’t deserve to go out and have a good time.

You ruined the years that I was supposed to be enjoying because you are selfish. You were never my friend because you destroyed me with your lies. You were my crutch; my only hope to feeling better about myself. Now I realize that you never really wanted to help me and I don't want you in my life anymore. I am capable of loving myself without your help because I choose recovery. Even though there are days when you come in and out of my life, I know that I will recover and break free from your grasp because I have the strength to escape this endless cycle.

Sincerely,

The girl that will never stop fighting.