How do you tell someone that all you ever wanted was them? There, in between the fights and the heartbreak, at the end of the day, they are the only one you can think about. All of your joyous moments come with a sharp pain because you cannot celebrate with that special person. You etched out your life together just to have it erased.
I know that I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend. I can't put all the blame on my ex-. I could have tried harder (things we think about too late); the fact that I didn't still haunts me.
I'm still trying to sketch my picture to fit this new me. As I've been doing this, I'm struggling to figure out why our generation is so easy to give up when something goes wrong (which I am guilty of, too). I'm starting to believe it's because we think that everything we see on social media is true, that people have a perfect relationship because of one photo captured in time. We believe because their photos look happy that things are always good. The sad truth is that they are not.
The first couple of months of being broken up were tough, but we both kept in touch and we met up occasionally. As days turned into weeks, weeks into months, the pain of not getting back together grew worse. I was trying to get back together, seeing my ways and not wanting to give up any longer. His opinion was different. I can't put words into his mouth, but it seemed as though he didn't know if our differences could work anymore. To me, that meant he wasn't sure I was "the one." I cut ties, we talked occasionally and never saw each other. For me, at the time, that option was the only option. I no longer wanted to hurt every day, but that didn't happen. My heartache wasn't getting worse, but it wasn't getting better. It still ached. Some days I was fine while others, I was a mess. The pain never really subsided, it was becoming a part of me, second nature.
My friends would say “get over it,” or "get Tinder.” As we all know, things are easier said than done. Didn’t they think I was trying to get over it? A year later and some dating in between, I always had in the back of my mind that maybe he will come to his senses. My boyfriend years ago said to me, “I’m not forcing you to be with me; I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.” That advice always stuck in my mind. Some days I do convince myself that this is how I’m going to approach my situation.
Trying to get over someone who you thought you were going to marry is tough. Most days I feel pathetic. My actions are pathetic, but I can’t help it. I’ve realized too many people who were in relationships make it hard on themselves afterward and feel like they are alone. You are not alone. It will get better. Many grieve in their own way and some take longer than others. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones that end up together. Don’t ever give up hope, but also don’t let that hope consume you.
