Hydroxyzine. Lexapro. Zoloft. I can remember them all: their individual quirks, the way they made my mind and my body feel, as if they were former lovers. I guess, in a way, they are. I've had an affair with each one: some were brief, and some were prolonged.
I hoped that, eventually, I would find the perfect pill. Much to my chagrin, I've learned that there isn't a perfect pill. I'm sure that others who suffer from mental illness can testify. (If you have found it, please tell me how you did so because you are so lucky.) There are side effects: some of which outweigh the suffering caused from mental illness, and some of which do not.
Hydroxyzine was okay. It helped me manage my panic attacks, but it did not help with my constant anxiety. So I switched over to Lexapro. That was a disastrous affair, to say the least. I felt so fatigued in the mornings that I could hardly bring myself to go to class (and some days, I simply couldn't). That's when Zoloft came along: the pill I thought would be my saving grace, my holy grail.
It was, for a while. It lasted longer than the previous two, at least. But I soon realized that it could not become a permanent installment in my life, as I constantly felt numb to the world around me. This was the worst side effect I had experienced.
It was scary, actually, because initially, I felt like this was perfect. This was what I wanted: to not care, to not feel anxious around everyone and everything. Why should I care about trivial matters when it seemed like no one else did?
And then it hit me: I was not myself.
I was not the young woman who was hyperaware of her surroundings. I was not the young woman who took in every detail, who loved every detail, even the uneasy ones. This -- although often a curse -- was who I was. It gave me my creativity. It gave me my emotions. And this medication took all of that away from me.
So, I'm breaking up with my medication for now. I've tried, many times, to find just the right formula for dealing with my anxiety, and I need to take a break. I know that not everyone can do this -- that many people suffer from mental illness that has to be treated by medication -- but I have the luxury of taking a step back for a moment to just think. What do I want? Can I function without this?
It's difficult. I wish I could tell you that medication makes everything better, but it doesn't. Often times, you must sacrifice one thing for another; in my case, it was my anxiety for numbness. It is painful, having to figure out how to deal with your mind, since it can be such a difficult thing to pry into.
Maybe I will find the right medication. Until then, I am going to try to live without it, to find other ways to cope. I hope that if you are in a similar situation, and if you can, that you will, too.
