To the boy who I wish had been ready,
I bet you're wondering how much I talk about you and think about you, and to be honest, I didn't think I would have the guts to write this.
I can start by saying I was taken aback by how you slowly slipped into my life and became someone important. I know neither of us intended for each other to play the role we did in each other's lives.
But, no matter how unsure I was of what you wanted, I still made every effort to get to know you. I spent hours talking to you and learning every detail you'd tell me, like what I know about your mom, and how you spend your summers.
The times we spent together never felt like enough. It didn't matter to me in what context I saw you, I was perfectly happy to sit and watch you do homework, all that mattered was that I was with you. Sometimes I like to flash back to the past and see the faintest smile on your lips when I'd do the small things, like rub your shoulders or put my hand on your leg, just to let you know I'm there.
The small things mean more to me than any "DTR" could. When my phone lights up and you texted me, or saw a post on Instagram and thought of me, or we talked the day before and you thought of something else and wanted me to know.
I know your ex hurt you in the past, I know she messed you up to a point where it feels like you could never be worthy of love again. I understand that, it happened to me too. It's happened to a lot of people. But what makes us different is that we found each other and that we can help each other realize how special we are, and how much we deserve love.
There are many pieces of me, naked, raw, and emotional that I hide. I physically and emotionally lock them away in my brain, the memories that I want to keep hidden away, save for a select few people whom I completely trust. But no one saw them in the way you did. No one made me feel appreciative of what I had been through, except you, and it taught me that I am so much stronger and deserve so much more than what I have been given. You taught me my worth.
It doesn't matter to me what the label is, I'm still falling for you.
I meant it when I say that I've never felt this way for anyone if I said otherwise that was a lie.
That's why it hurt me so much when I saw you with her. The girl who danced with you right in front of me.
Yet, despite the fact that you hurt me, and I know you know that you messed up, I still want you.
I'm thankful for all the things you've given me and still continue to give me. I love how you think I'm too good for you. I'm happy for all of the secret whispering we did in from of our friends, the times you tried to scare me, the ONE you actually did, the hot nights, and everything in between.
I'm still trying to figure out your purpose. Sometimes I think I know exactly what you want, and other times I won't hear from you in a week and feel like I mean nothing to you. I know that I want more than you can give right now, and that's okay. I don't think we're ready to be what we wanted to be for each other. Not yet, at least.