Living with an eating disorder is nothing that I would wish on anyone. I am not defined by the way I eat. My story made me who I am today, strong, independent, and intelligent. But here it is… the pain and suffering I went through all because of one word. FAT.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was all the bullying I endured as a young child that really affected me. But I chose to let it. My father always told me that you have to choose what affects you, it may be hurtful at first, but don’t let it tear you down. Because then you let them win. He said, rise above it. Take that and turn it into something positive. But I was only 10. I didn’t listen.

I would get off the bus every day and before I went up into the house. I would walk around the house or wait down by the mailbox so that I could cry. I would give myself time to so that my mom wouldn’t see me upset. Before I would walk in, I put a smile on my face and acted like everything was okay. Like I wasn’t told 500 times how fat and stupid I was.

“Big-Bertha” “You can’t multiply?” “Waste of air” “You should drop out” “Why are you so stupid” “Retard” “Lazy” “Fat” “Ugly”

It got so bad that I would beg my parents to take me to school in the morning and pick me up and take me home, so that I wouldn’t have to go on the bus. They just figured that I wanted to sleep in during the morning and get home earlier. But no, I was sick and tired of feeling worthless and dumb.

Not one of those kids knew what I had to endure. They saw that I couldn’t do basic math skills so they ASSUMED I was stupid. Little did they know that I wasn’t learning a thing at all because of my learning disabilities that I didn’t even know about.

The worst part was that my own friends joined in on it. When it was time to go to math class, I was the only one going to the one for the “dumb” kids. When it was time to go out for recess and in order to go, we had to memorize all 50 states, I was the one who couldn’t.

Now, I was an overweight child. So yes I was “fat,” but it's not like I had much control over it. My parents were probably the most health conscious nutty parents out there. Heck, I think my dad discovered half of the health food crazes we have today before they were even a thing. But it was genetics, my parents were overweight themselves, from an early age as well all the way into adulthood. We always ate extremely healthy, but like I said, you can’t really control reality.

However, the words that those bullies said, I let get to me. So bad that I stopped eating in school. Completely. Then when I went into junior high, that's when it hit rock bottom. I stopped eating breakfast, I stopped eating lunch, I would go from 6:30 in the morning to 6:00 at night without eating. I became so afraid to eat in front of ANYONE. It even got to the point where I wouldn’t even drink water in front of anyone, because I was SO self-conscious about how people saw me.

Each day my mom would pack my lunch because I refused to buy lunch. So she would pack it, and I would throw it out so that she would think I was eating. I would eat dinner with my family and then go upstairs. After they went to bed, I would go back downstairs and eat anything I could get my hands on. I was starving myself and binging all at once.

It started at school, then it came home. When I would have friends over, I would try not to eat anything in front of them. If they stayed for dinner I would only eat a bite of whatever we had and say that I wasn’t hungry. I even started not wanting to eat with my family, because we all sat down together every night. But I wouldn’t eat with them so I blamed it on studying or not being hungry. When we would go out to eat, I would get so paranoid and anxious that I never wanted to go. At family parties I would put close to nothing on my plate and act like that was enough. There were very few people that I felt comfortable around.

Then one day in P.E. we were out snowshoeing. I started to gag, sweat, feel dizzy, and I couldn’t take it. I had a mental break down. I had my first anxiety attack because I felt the pressure of trying to keep up with everyone but knowing I couldn’t because I did not have the energy to do so. I was crying hysterically and everyone was looking at me like I was some fat girl who was complaining about a little exercise. I was so embarrassed. What's scary was that it wasn’t even enough to scare me from continuing this vicious cycle.

But what really scared me was that summer, right before school let out, I was sitting in math class and the room began to spin out of control. I began to sweat again. And my teacher saw that I was having trouble breathing. I could barely stand up. She started to pick me up, and help me walk down the hall to the nurse's office. I couldn’t. Every step I would fall. It got so bad that I began to vomit everywhere. I don’t even remember what happened after that because I passed out.

Still I had it covered so badly that no one could figure out that I was struggling with an eating disorder. Not even my parents. But that last time really freaked me out and I knew I couldn’t go on much further like this.

So gradually I began to have a little something for breakfast. But still no lunch, but it was better than nothing. Then when I got to high school and it seemed to get better each year. I would eat more breakfast. Yet, I still didn’t eat lunch, but at least I would wait until I got home to have a late light lunch. Finally, my senior year I began to actually eat lunch at school on occasion.

I thought I was fine until I hit college. The same thing happened all over again, except I would eat by myself in my dorm room and binge on everything. If I felt stressed, I would eat. If I was sad, I would eat. If I felt alone, I would eat. I had a serious binging problem. That was another reason why I moved back home. I gained so much weight it is sick. I let myself go once again and fall right back into the same patterns.

Now, I am trying to get into shape and have a healthier eating pattern. And it is a lot easier. I still get anxious when I go out to eat. And there are still times when I won’t eat in front of certain people. But at least I have it under control now. It was such a scary time in my life and to be all alone going through it was even worse. I am sorry mom and dad that I never came to you about it. I was too embarrassed to admit that I had a problem. Thank you for supporting me in becoming a healthier human being. I only get one body, and it is my responsibility to cherish it. But thank you for seeing the beauty in me that I didn’t always see, and don’t always see to this day.