One word, different disorders, a million effects.
Recently, I overheard a conversation between two people I knew very well, one of which suffers from anxiety and the other does not. The person who doesn’t suffer from it spoke with the intent of explaining to their friend what anxiety is and how they could cope with it. While this person had good intentions, it was very clear that they simply googled the definition and symptoms and tried to portray themselves as if they were some sort of expert. There’s nothing wrong with not understanding what anxiety is. Heck, I wish I didn’t have to comprehend it on the level that I do! However, there’s got to be that one person in life who speaks the truth, and I guess that person is me.
Anxiety is the feeling when your mind overpowers your body and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s the hidden voice inside your soul that constantly tells you that you're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, and so on.
The textbook definition describes anxiety as a feeling of worry and unease about an event or certain outcome. While this is partially true, anxiety is so much more. It’s the state of mind that has the ability to hollow one’s chest out and make them feel as though it’s impossible to breathe. It’s the uncontrollable panic that runs through your limbs and veins, causing you to collapse into a pile of tears.
While the rational part of your mind constantly reminds you how irrational your thoughts are, the anxiety part of your mind slowly creeps in, screaming in your ear how much everybody is judging you. Your thoughts are suddenly battling each other in an intense game of tug-of-war, and while the rational part is smarter, the anxiety side is stronger.
Anxiety wins the game every time.
After being clinically diagnosed with multiple anxiety disorders, I have the ability to look past the definition Google has provided for these illnesses, and I’m able to comprehend the truth.
The truth is the most insignificant issues that may not be a big deal to you, can set me over the edge in a second. I lose all of my emotions at once, and I can’t do anything but allow my anxiety to overtake me physically.
My first panic attack away from home hit me like a train.
It was 11:42 p.m., my body slowly crippled and I felt myself pulling my legs into a fetal position. My skin laid against the icy solid floor as I tried to comfort myself by rocking back and forth, but it only made things worse. I felt the tears rolling down the sides of my face and as I reached for the paper that laid next to me, my hand began to shake uncontrollably. I had failed my first college test.
58 percent.
As my eyes scanned the piece of paper, the words I dread rang loudly in my head,
“You’re stupid!!”, “How could you get that question wrong, are you dumb?”, “DUMB." “Congratulations, you’re a complete failure”.
I allowed these words to consume my mental and physical body, and while I know it’s nowhere close to being true, my anxiety tells me otherwise.
That’s the definition that google fails to communicate; that’s the truth on what having an anxiety disorder looks like.
