Anxiety is defined as being “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” That’s a pretty accurate description of how I feel constantly.
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) the summer before my senior year of high school, but I really should have sought out a doctor’s opinion long before then. I have been anxious ever since I can remember, and have been demonstrating symptoms of GAD my whole life.
Anxiety is more all encompassing than I feel like a lot of people realize. I know that everyone gets anxious, and that it’s just a part of human nature. But when your anxiety is so constant and powerful that it manages to seep into every other aspect of your life, that’s when it becomes a legitimate problem that I feel is often overlooked or misunderstood. It’s not just a nervousness vibrating throughout my body in anticipation of a dreaded event or an uneasy churn of the stomach before giving a presentation. It goes beyond that, and it’s been such a part of me for so long that I find myself struggling to describe its’ presence.
Almost every moment is underlined with a dull yet distinct hum of nervous energy. Even when there is literally nothing to really worry about, I still feel worried.
Approximately 99% of the time, I feel tense or “keyed up.” That’s because there’s always something on the horizon that is worth worrying about for me. My to-do list is lengthy and I’m not getting anything crossed off. I haven’t done my laundry yet. I have to finish my library book before it becomes overdue. Even the smallest things are amplified to huge, sweeping waves of anguish that threaten to suffocate me at any given moment. Complete relaxation seems to me as a sort of impossible goal.
Sometimes I have trouble concentrating and focusing on the task at hand because my mind is being flung in a hundred different directions thanks to the persistent whispering of worries wafting through my head. Even with writing this right now, my mind keeps wandering to all the other things that I “need” to do.
Uncertainty is my enemy. I have the unshakeable desire to know how something is going to pan out. This right here has let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. Deciding to go to college and live on campus was a monumental departure from usual need for knowing every single detail and being able to let the multiple situations play out within my head. I went into college completely blind, not knowing a single soul - including the random roommate I would share a room with.
One thing I really struggled with throughout high school was the “flight-or-fight” response. Usually this reaction is triggered by an extreme threat to your well-being. However, for me, this response would kick into overdrive by even the slightest stressor, and it always happen to me while I was in class, which only made the experience that more distressing. This feeling is awful, and I have experienced it multiple times in the middle of a crowded classroom.
Though I do not have panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder does share some characteristics from it. This is where the dreaded panic attacks come from. I have, thankfully, not endured one for a long time now, but I have gone through them before. Just thinking about that sickening sensation is causing my heart to pound a bit faster in my chest.
It also borrows from social anxiety disorder. I feel incredibly self-conscious in front of people, and being judged by others is a huge fear of mine. I always can’t seem to shake the feeling that I am indeed being constantly judged, which is something that nags me relentlessly.
I’m re-reading what I have written, and I’m realizing that this makes my life sound pretty hellish, which it really isn’t, not by any means. Though the sense of worry and nervousness is always in the background, I have adjusted to it in a sense. I consider it my “normal”, therefore I don’t consciously think about it all too much. There are many activities that I practice on a daily basis that allow my nerves to take a rest. I have a group of people that I’m completely comfortable and at ease with. And I feel like as I grow older and gain confidence in myself, a lot of the anxiety that has clung to my existence for so long is gradually starting to fall off.
Also, I would like to encourage anyone who has been dealing with an excessive amount of worrying to do some research on the subject of anxiety disorders and possibly speak with a doctor, if they feel like that would be the right step for them. I deeply regret not reaching out to a professional earlier in life because it honestly has helped me an incredible amount.
