All of my life I've been put on a pedestal, and I came to get used to it. I was fond of being treated well-- who wouldn't be? I felt like I ran my school, all the way up, starting my first day of elementary school to ending my senior year in high school. I was given countless opportunities growing up, and I'm thankful in ways I cannot put into words, but I was often given treatment that gave me a high horse to sit upon.
In no way do I mean to say that my teachers taught me wrong, my mentors guided me incorrectly, or that my parents raised me poorly, because they didn't, but as time went on, I began to get too comfortable with being spoiled. I came to expect a certain kind of treatment, and that, in turn, affected the way I treated other people. These people included my friends (those that are still my friends from high school), my coaches, and even my parents. My ego was big and was only growing the longer I was in high school.
Then freshman year of college came. I had been an A student my whole life, I had always been a captain on all my sports teams, I was the star of all the musicals and musical groups. This all changed in a course of two or three years.
"Selfishness" wasn't in my vocabulary. To me, I was just looking out for myself, I was enjoying college, when in reality, I was being a jerk to pretty much everyone I knew. This lasted through to the first semester of my junior year.
I tried to be the kid I was looked at in high school. I played baseball, expecting to jump right into the fray, to become an instant captain; I was wrong. My coach liked me, but in reality I didn't play, and was generally used a a bullpen manager for the season. That experience was a slap into reality. I wasn't top dog any more, not even close.
My grades started to slip -- I didn't have any close friends my entire freshman year, but I thought I would go ahead and try to join the Acapella group on campus. And as soon as I did that, my progress to becoming a humble person was put on hold. I felt on top again. I became leader of the group and ran it with an iron fist -- ignoring suggestions and comments from other students inside and outside of the group.
It wasn't until I truly hit rock bottom that college's humbling hand punched me in the nose. Depression, anxiety, paranoia all hit like a truck, and most of it was because of my addiction to being popular--to being on top. Guilt, anger, sadness filled every crack that appeared in my plan to be the man again.
It took a suicide attempt to snap back to reality. The reality of understanding that by lifting others up, you grow as a person. Wrapping your head around simply treating someone right -- with respect as an equal -- suddenly became clear. I learned that being a leader is sometimes accepting that you won't be the best at everything, and delegation is important. I learned that being a friend means making sacrifices, putting someone else first. I learned that being humble was easier than "fake it till you make it".
All in all, I want to thank anyone who has called out my ego, and apologize for anyone that was put down by my ego. Being humble is an active ride, and it's one that I'll follow for the rest of my life.
