Starting college last year was a big lifestyle change, in more ways than one. I was dropped in a foreign place where I had to assert my personhood among thousands of other kids just like me. No one could yell at me for skipping my 8am class and getting drunk on a Tuesday night. However, through all of the academic and social changes that took place, I struggled with defining what the word “healthy” meant to me. My journey with “healthy” started during my senior year of high school when I decided that I needed to lose some weight. Regardless of whether I actually needed to, my perception of health went through a whirlwind of changes.
Since exercise wasn’t my favorite thing at the time, I researched weight loss tips, tricks, and success stories, and got into cooking and baking. For a while, it was a lot of turkey roll ups and measured out cups of Special K. I’ll admit I even went through a few “diet” phases. Low-carb, low fat, and low sugar, eventually turned into a low tolerance for diets that were impossible to maintain for a reward that I didn’t fully comprehend; my world was not going to spin on its axis if I lost 5 pounds. After a month in, I ditched the calorie counting and obsessive meal planning, and learned more about what food does for my body. As someone who always ate whatever they wanted with little to no thought, the nutritional aspect of food was a whole new world to me. Thus, I began to experiment with different ingredients, and started eating foods that I knew would have a noticeable impact on my energy and happiness.
While this was all exciting, I still had a relatively unhealthy relationship with rewarding and punishing myself for not being “good” all the time. I began to feel bad when I ate something processed and I got frustrated when I couldn’t find something better to eat. Even when I was putting healthy things into my body, I felt guilty and constantly criticized myself.
When I came to college, I was suddenly surrounded by tons of beautiful, fit and toned girls; I was immediately conscious of all of my insecurities. I did my best to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle: I would buy healthy snacks, make good dining hall choices, and even exercise. But I wasn’t doing any of this for me. I wasn’t eating well or running the track because I liked the way it made me feel; I was doing it because I was hyper-aware of what I didn’t look like and what I thought I should look like. My own criticism of my diet and exercise routine consumed me. And I hated the way it made me feel.
I was constantly doing things to fit a certain image and I neglected to acknowledge that I already had an image! It took a whole year for me realize that nobody, and truly nobody, is watching and criticizing my body. Because if they are anything like I was, they are too busy criticizing and focusing on themselves. So what was I doing grabbing my love handles and sucking in my stomach? Who cared and why was it so important to me? This summer and this year I began to truly appreciate and redefine the word “healthy”. I stopped doing things to lose weight and starting to do things because it made me feel good. I fell in love with the concept of nutritional value and sustainable eating. I loved putting together new recipes and finding things that tasted amazing and made me feel amazing. I also started exercising; not for any goal but to sweat and release endorphins that I knew would make me feel happy. Since this perspective entered my life, I have enjoyed food more than I ever have and I am training for a half marathon/actually having fun doing it. Today I can see the muscles in my arms and my butt looks awesome. But if you asked me honestly, I wouldn't care if I had flabby arms and was a larger size. I would still maintain the satisfaction of good health because I got to define it for myself. The best part was it was genuinely easy. Yes, it took time. But that's okay. Things that last take time. My “secret” was that there was no end goal to obsess over. I just made a conscious choice to live everyday, feeling the best that I could by incorporating things like a balanced diet and exercise into my life. In my opinion, that’s a universal formula, no matter your size, age, or ‘end goal’.
*Here are some of my favorite healthy lifestyle/eating/cooking/baking/etc. blogs. They are my inspiration and have awesome outlooks on food and over all health!
