If there is one thing I have learned is that at 2 am, its hard to tell what reality is, when I am in sheer panic because I feel overwhelmed, it's hard to tell if I will survive. It's easy to doubt yourself when there is a voice in the back of your head telling you, that you won't succeed. This is an inside look at that list, and at all the things that my anxiety make me believe.
1. My anxiety told me I'm not good enough
This is a common story I start to believe at 2 am: that I am not good enough for him, that I am not good enough to do well in my life, that I am not good enough to deserve any better than what I settle for. When I think about all the things I want to accomplish in my life, there is a little voice in the back of my head that says no, you aren't good enough sweetie. That voice is wrong.
2. My anxiety told me I will fail
So why bother try? I ask myself this all the time. Why apply to that job, you aren't going to get it? Why even bother? Well I am glad you asked anxiety, because if I try than I still gain, if I don't try than you win. Don't let your anxiety make you feel like you cant be successful because if you do than you are letting your anxiety win and we don't want that.
3. My anxiety told me I am drowning
This isn't always a bad thing. A lot of times when my anxiety makes me feel like I am drowning in school work I am more motivated to get it done. However there are times when this is crimpling, when it is numbing, when it honestly hurts to feel like you cant breathe and the only reason is one you cant explain. There are times when I honestly feel stuck like I am underwater, when I am sure that I will stop breathing, when my chest feels so heavy I can't move. This is when I start to believe my anxiety.
4. My anxiety told me you don't want me
This one hurts. This one keeps digging into me. It opens up the scar tissue of my heart and when it does, it bleeds. My anxiety told me that you don't want me, that I am nothing to you, that everything I thought we had didn't mean anything to you. This one kills me, you can tell me a million times how much you care but all I hear is the mean things you said, if you're questioning us, and it makes me so confused. When we don't talk for a day, it starts to creep in when all I hear is you don't care, you don't want me. So when I ask questions, it's not me, it's my heart trying to make sense of what is real and what my anxiety has told me.
5. My anxiety told me I did something wrong
I feel this one a lot. I feel that someone is mad at me, and when I ask, it's always a no. It's hard to feel like you are always doing something wrong, and that everyone is always mad at you. It makes the distance between people really hard because my anxiety never fails to creep forward and say, "You did something wrong."
6. My anxiety told me you feel alone for a reason
My anxiety told me that I feel alone for a reason BECAUSE I am alone. Feeling like you're alone is one of the worst feelings. It makes me push away because I don't know who to depend on. It makes me feel like no one will understand, that no one cares. So I go from being alone to feeling alone and it doesn't get better, it gets worse as time goes on.
7. My anxiety told me there is never enough
There is never enough time, never enough money in my bank account, never enough clothes in my closet, never enough likes on my Instagram. No matter what I do, when they anxiety rolls in, its hard to feel content. This issue of not having enough also turns into not doing enough. No matter how overwhelmed I feel, I never feel like I am doing enough, studying enough, being involved enough, being social enough. It's a cycle that ends up leaving a knot in my stomach.
8. My anxiety told me it will never stop
There are moments when you have an attack and it feels like you won't survive, that the pain will never stop. It hurts, it digs at you. This is wrong. It will stop. It will be okay. It is only temporary.
Anxiety is a hard thing to deal with, no matter how severe. It's hard to feel good when you are lying on the floor in pain, but it's also important to remember there is a difference between what is real, and what your anxiety told you.
**If you or someone who know, suffers for anxiety, there is a hotline that can provide help even during an attack. Call at: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)***