It doesn’t matter where you are. It doesn’t really matter who you’re with. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. Here’s the beginning.
It’s a familiar feeling, the one that rises in the back of your throat when you start to feel your heart beating a little faster. Bile tastes rancid, so you open your mouth to take a deep breath and push the feeling down. Inward. Your focus goes back to whatever you’re doing, before your mind starts to be flooded with darker thoughts. The light fades out, and you’re stuck at the center of a storm without an instrument to tell you which piece of debris is going to hit you next.
Your heart is beating faster now, making you uncomfortable and restless. You might want to move, you might want to curl up. You might want to run. Unfortunately, you cannot run because this thing is building inside you and part of the problem is you can’t get outside of your head. The thoughts are racing now. Will you get sick? Is your heart going to keep racing? Will it burst? Is someone going to notice? Sweat starts erupting on your forehead like telltale boils signifying disease, and you’re sure everyone sees it. Maybe that’s why they’re looking at you, right?
The next part is the solution.
You find your escape and make your exit, hurrying toward safety. Maybe safety is your car so you can get home to a safe place. Maybe safety is getting on the phone with someone who will tell you that you’re okay, you’re going to be fine. Maybe your safety is in the form of a little oval pill, prescribed for a condition that feels more like a death sentence. Maybe safety is simply being away from whatever it was that sent your heart skipping in the first place. Whatever it is to you, you find it and you let safety wrap its arms around you until your breathing calms down, your heart slows, and the sweat seeps back into your skin and you cool down.
But did that really solve anything?
When you feel a little better, guilt seeps in to replace the anxiety that was festering before. Shouldn’t you have handled that better? What did everyone who saw you leave think? It’s almost like you’re ready for round two because in the back of your mind, you know these thoughts will surface the next time it happens. If you were just stronger, if you were just more capable, if you were just better.
This is the anatomy of an anxiety attack; every attribution is something that makes us, people with anxiety, ashamed of ourselves. Maybe you’ve been through therapy, maybe you told your doctor, maybe you didn’t know that this was real. You know, because you thought it was in your head. It’s possible your medicine isn’t the right one. Here’s the thing, though: you aren’t cursed, you aren’t afflicted and you shouldn’t be ashamed.
Your struggle has nothing bad to say about you; your struggle means you are fighting to overcome a war within yourself. And that is admirable and brave. So have courage and look inward because the answers are there for you.
There is always a space inside your mind that is clear, calm and peaceful. The trick is to find your way there—even if it’s by accident. Accidents count. Start with your breathing; take a breath of clean air and hold it until your lungs hurt. You might feel the rush of blood, you might feel your heart working hard but don’t let those things stop you. Don’t let physical feelings stop you from conquering your mind. Breathe out, and release the negative thoughts you held onto. There, see? Clarity can be found between your breaths and it will help shelter you from the debris of your mind.
These feelings are caused by your mind. Maybe it was a thought, maybe it was a feeling. Whatever your trigger, it begins and ends in your mind. Remember that thoughts and feelings and emotions last for only two minutes at the most; we’re holding onto them when we find ourselves in the middle of a fight with our minds. So let go. Breathe in, breathe out, and let go.
Make a choice to move forward. Make a choice to move on. Fight this war with yourself, but think of yourself as a conqueror. As the ruler of your mind, you are the lock and the key. You’ll find the key when you’re ready, I promise.
It doesn’t matter where you are. It doesn’t really matter who you’re with. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. Here’s the truth: you’ll be fine.
