I used to think that the fear of living and the fear of dying were completely separate, but as of now, I have come to the realization that the two are absolutely intertwined.

My anxiety has the ability to get to the point to which I fear living, and I do not want to fear living. Recently, I went on a short-term study abroad through DePaul University, and we traveled to Morocco and France, two countries that have been marked with high terror threats in recent weeks. That alone could cause anxiety for anyone, but when you already struggle with anxiety, you become absolutely certain that something bad is going to happen to you.

This trip was something I had really been looking forward to. The chance to spend three weeks exploring Morocco is pretty enticing, and on top of that, I would get to see my Moroccan side of the family, making this trip almost too good to be true. Yet here I was, letting my anxiety make me second guess whether I really wanted to take this opportunity.

I had my reservations about embarking on this trip after recent events. Anxiety obviously had a heavy hand in my fear, as I'm easily able to ponder a bleak list of outcomes for any situation in my life. However, if I let all possible threats and anxiety rule my decisions, I would never even leave my home. I wouldn't even feel safe in my home. I simply wouldn't want to exist. Getting on the train, living in a major city, listening in class, and just being alive leave me vulnerable to potential threats.

There are times when anxiety rocks me, and I sit in class paranoid that today is the day my school is the one targeted, the one in the headlines. (Though the fact that I, and many other students don't feel safe in class because of flimsy gun control in America is an entirely different issue.) All I can do is breathe until it's all over, and I find myself doing a lot of breathing until it's all over when it comes to situations that make me anxious. I am tired of doing that, when I sit paralyzed in fear with a whirlpool of negative outcomes in my head, breathing. During these times, I'm not really present, nor am I learning or present in the situation.

While breathing through situations makes them a little bit easier, the most important thing for me is to choose what I want, and to not let my fear of negative outcomes cloud my judgement. Fearing that something bad is going to happen in class is not me simply wanting to stay home, and as long as I recognize that, it's a victory. I cannot control my anxiety, but I can prevent it from controlling my entire life, simply by choosing to live.

I am afraid of a lot of things: illness, acts of terrorism, not checking if the oven is turned off before I go to bed, dying and what follows it, but I don't want to be afraid of living.