I am no perfect human and will never claim to be so. I am merely a collection of flaws and scars stitched together with the thread of the events from my past. My heart bleeds love out of every pore like a waterfall, even when I know it’s hopeless. Sometimes I wish I could run away to a land where hearts are never broken; now I wake up to the relentless thoughts that I am never going to be good enough for those around me. I will stare into the mirror and wonder what is wrong, endlessly searching for a way to make myself more appealing. I could be in a room full of people and still feel as if I could scream and no one would hear.
Despite everything, I wake up and slap a smile on my face. I joke and laugh just like everyone else. As an actor, I'm completely use to making characters and not acting like myself. In fact I don't think I can recall a time when I have been able to show my true, complete self. I always hide some aspect away. In turn, I push people away when they get too close. I will isolate myself as a defense mechanism.
Getting close to people makes me obscenely paranoid. I always think that every person I start to become develop a relationship or friendship with will hurt me, take something, and leave. I expel so much love that I make it quite easy for people to do so. Sometimes I wish I could rip my heart right out it my chest and take away the love. Maybe then I would be happy. Maybe then I wouldn't care I could finally find myself in a world of complete bliss.
Unfortunately, I will never be that lucky, and will be stuck in this love purgatory for the rest of my life. Ceaselessly wandering in search of a land where my heart will never break again, where the water never poisons. A land where I don't over analyze and make it out to be something that it’s not. I love everyone and everything and will never stop, and with this neither will my anxiety.
