Being a woman can be a lonely experience. The constant reminder that you're twice or even three times as likely than your male counterpart to be assaulted is a unique experience. After the awful train station encounter, I was left feeling angry, confused and worst of all, alone. I felt unprepared to deal with the emotions and thoughts that followed. At the time, I honestly felt scared for my life.
How could I possibly defend myself from a well-muscled man three times my weight? Had he chosen to go one step further in his pursuit of me, I would most likely not be able to write this article. Something that I had once been able to do normally was no longer a calm experience. I still feel unreasonably paranoid waiting alone in public. It feels like my brain is detached from my body when I'm passing by the very same station.
Some of the more prominent questions I ask myself vary in anger or sadness.
Why did this happen to me? Do other girls go through this, too? Does this mean other men will target me the same way? Why does being a girl make me scared for my life? Why don't we talk about this more? Why do people think this is okay?
Coming to terms with the man's verbal assault on me helped me redefine how I view assault. First of all, I was able to give it a name: objectification. Naming anything grants the giver power over the subject. I know what to type into Google when I'm reading about similar experiences. Still, I feel intense anxiety and inexplicably break out into cold sweats when I'm transferring trains or waiting alone at the station. I can't help but always feel like someone is watching me or someone wants to engage with me.
It's a work in process, but nonetheless one that I'm working on. As I continue to write, I continue to understand. And maybe understanding is the key to stopping this injustice from happening everyday. Expect another bit of thinking for the soul next week.
