I'm so glad you're here. I just want you to know you're not alone.
I never thought I'd be this person. Someone whose best friend has turned her back, because she can't stand looking at the girl she thought she knew better than anyone in the world.
In all of the changes I've gone through, all of the bad decisions I've made, I didn't think she'd walk away from me. I guess some people don't want to be there to watch you hit the bottom. It's too painful for them.
But don't worry, because I know how much more painful it is for you when you hit the ground, when you feel like you're all alone. And I'm here to tell you that you're not. Not really, despite what those girls made you think. I'm here.
Picture yourself flying, a kaleidoscope of memories blurring past your eyelids, going black right before you shatter. As your fractured heart beats in broken pieces, there's a moment-- just a brief, blissful moment-- where you feel nothing at all. And then you feel everything at once.
The weight of every terrible decision you've made on your way down, presses down around you at every angle. It's all sharp edges and shooting pains as your deepest regrets suck the breath from your deflating lungs. Pain like you can't even imagine, the worst things you've ever felt in your life, radiate through your heavy limbs. The heat of all your guilt, and all your shame, singes your skin.
There's another moment after that. It's the moment that you feel your heart beat for the very last time...but then it beats again, for the very first. And in that moment you feel the actual center of your being, the strength of your very core, start pulling all your pieces back together.
Right before you feel the cool breeze of self-forgiveness and the cold shock of rebirth, and suddenly you're not lying at the bottom of a desert canyon but emerging from the sea like a mermaid.
It's not supposed to be easy, making your way to the shore as you gasp desperately for air, to re-inflate those bruised lungs. It's supposed to be the hardest fucking thing you'll ever do, as you claw your way up the grainy sand. Feel it peel away the layers of your skin that remember the echo of who you used to be.
You're supposed to fuck up. Again. And again. A million times, because if you don't know every single way to get it wrong, you'll never know when you've finally found the one way to get it right. And if this is truly your rock bottom, baby, as you roll onto your back and look up into the blue sky and the blinding sun, you're finally on your way to getting it right.
You're going to hurt people. You're going to lose people. But don't give up. Keep going, and keep growing. Plant your seeds of hope beneath the sand as your fingertips act like roots, digging for the truth. What's meant for you will find its way.
You can't retract your choices once they've been made. You can only move forward, and hope someone has forgiveness in their heart. We've all been bad once. We need to be taught good, to be shown true kindness. I'm getting there, and so will you.
I just hope it doesn't get worse before it gets better, because I don't know how much more I can take. And if you ever feel you're in the same position, drowning in your own life, please don't hesitate to reach out a hand for me, and we will revel in our receding misery together. So take my hand, and we'll go for a walk along the shore.
We got this, you and me. We're gunna learn how to really live.
