To The Person Who Just Burped Right In Front Of Me,

I was going about my day, just minding my own business and gushing over the fact that my latest Instagram post just reached 300 likes when you did the thing.

You burped.

Just as I walked past you, you let out a puff of salami-infused air directly into my face. Then, you walked away – as if you did nothing. Do you understand that you just let out a belch with the scent of rotten refrigerator food in my face? Hello?

No longer will my freshly perfumed body smell like “Pistachio Brulee,” because you tainted my scent with your horrid mouth fart. Thank you, sir. Thank you for spoiling my smell.

I respond to your poor manners by letting out a huge sigh and a sassy, “Ew.” That’s right, I’m going to be loud and proud when I reprimand your poor behavior. This is when you turn your head around and tell me you’re “sorry.”

You’re sorry? With all due respect, if you were sorry, then you wouldn’t have burped in the first place. You’re sorry? Please.

Don’t even get me started with the, “I couldn’t hold it in,” because we all know that isn’t true. Were you able to hold it in during that job interview? Yes. Were you able to hold it in during that first date? You bet you were. How about when you met your professor during office hours? You held it in then too. Don’t claim that you couldn’t hold it in or that you didn’t mean to because you can and you did. No excuses.

This would be a good time to discuss the phenomenon of the “inside burp.” An inside burp is a term that I coined. This type of burp is when the burpee lets out his or her belch, but holds it inside their mouth. After about five seconds, the burpee lets out the air in their mouth for the world to smell. Don’t do this either.

Right next to siding with Taylor Swift and wearing Teva sandals, burping out loud in public is just about the worst thing a person can do. Don’t be that person.

Don’t be a burp-er. Hold that garlic saturated whiff of warm air in. I don’t want to smell it, hear it or have to shame you about it – so just don’t do it.

Signed,

A Decent Human Being