Dear Mother,
I call you mother because to me, a mom is the maternal figure that raises, guides, and looks out for you as you grow, and you kind of just gave me life, so Mother, thanks for giving me life.
Do you remember me?
As a young child, I never had a desire to meet you, but now as a young adult, I have never wanted to meet you more in my entire life. I hope you're alive and well, thriving in your everyday life. You have held me in your stomach for nine months, and at one time, I was as much a part of you as you were a part of me. And now today I write to you as a stranger. I have so much to tell you, but first things first, I have so many questions for you and I hope you hold the answers…
Why did you give me away and abandon me like that? How could you carry me inside you for nine months, feeding me, holding me, just to throw it all away? How could you leave me there, not knowing if I would be safe and not knowing if I would survive and find a loving home? Looking back, was it worth it?
I am not bitter about you giving me up, for I am 21, living in a loving home, getting an amazing education, with a terrific family and amazing friends. The family who adopted me is truly one of a kind, loving and grateful for what you have done. I have many amazing role models in my life who have helped shape me into the young woman I am today, and I am forever appreciative to have them in my world. And although I love my family and friends and am truly grateful for what you have done, I cannot get over this hole inside of me. This hole flowing with questions with out answers, a hole that stands for you and the unknown.
What do you look like? Do I have your nose? Your ears? Do you have big cheeks and dimples? I kind of have chubby cheeks, ha. Or, do I have my father’s?
What is your personality like? Do I have your sense of humor? Your outgoingness? Your courage to stand in front of anyone and say just about anything?
Do you like to write? I do. I always wondered if I got that from you.
Where do you live? The city? A farm? I have assumed the farm. I’ve many times pictured you with a large sun hat on, raking dirt while my siblings run around you.
Do I have any brothers or sisters? If so, how many? If so, why did you keep them instead of me? How old are they? I have always longed for little siblings.
Were you ashamed of me? Was I not what you wanted? Was I your first born and since I was not a boy, is that why you gave me away? Traded me in for something else? Something better?
Who is my father? Do you even know him well? Are you married to him? Or did you give me up because I was an accident?
What’s your medical history? Cancer? Alzheimer’s? Heart attacks? I have to know.
Do you ever think about me? Because I wonder about you a lot. I wonder what you look like, what you smell like, what your smile looks like. I wonder what my life would have been in China, growing up with you and the rest of that family I was suppose to be with.
Do you bite your nails? What makes you nervous? What is your biggest dream and wildest fear?
I question if you're laid back or extremely organized and go, go, go like me.
I am curious about the home you live in, would I have lived there too?
What do you do for work? I am going to become a teacher. It’s been my dream for a while now.
Do you have any siblings? What are your parents like, or my grandparents like?
Are you allergic to cats like I am too? Do you like animals? I love them.
How long did it take you to figure out that you didn’t want me anymore? Or that you could not have me anymore…
And sure, you wanted me to have a better life, but don’t sugar coat it… Why am I here instead of there?
Who the hell are you?
I could go on forever, wondering about you and wondering if you’re out there somewhere thinking about me. I sometimes day dream about the first time we would meet. The hug you’d give me, and we’d embrace with tears streaming down our cheeks. You’d gently wipe mine aside and say something in Chinese about how thankful you are to finally meet me and hold me again.
I'd squeeze you tight, while thinking, this is so unreal.
I think about you a lot. And I realize that everything happens for a reason, but it still does not take away the fact that I have longed to meet you for a while. I am happy with where I am in my life and excited for my future. I could say I am happy with who I am as well, but I feel like you are a part of me, and until I figure out who you are, I don’t feel 100% happy with who I am.
Who am I?
I am Leah Yu O’Bryan. Yu Fen was the name I was given in the orphanage. Why didn’t you give me a name? Or did you? I was born on October 14, 1994, somewhere in China and left somewhere (but you already knew that). I made my way to an orphanage, and was adopted at just six months old by a loving family with two biological daughters. Those daughters became my best friends and my heroes. I was adopted through an agency that groups families (10 other girls gained a home around the same time I did, we grew up together). My mom was the one who went all the way to China to get me, she is kind and has a wonderful sense of humor. I grew up happy and healthy in a small town, laughing a lot, and played basketball since I was 3. I was the managing editor of my school newspaper, was voted Senior Class Vice President, Captain of the Varsity Volleyball and Basketball teams and I am truly proud of my hometown. I proudly graduated from high school in 2013.
I was accepted into a nursing school and hated it and am now following my dream to become an elementary teacher. I am happy and excited about it. I have ten cousins from my dad’s side, and three from my mom’s. I have a grandfather, both my grandmother’s are gone, as is my other grandfather. Family is everything to me. I love talking and writing, and saying speeches. My favorite color is pink. My dad is my best friend, he supports me in anything and everything I do and is basically super man. I love my friends, especially the ones who are basically my family. I have a niece, who is my world! I work at a summer camp in my home town and love kids. I want to adopt a baby girl from China when I get older. I have done so much in my short life and you have no idea who I am. Does that bother you?
I do hope that if I ever get to meet you that I would be making you proud. I’d never want to disappoint you and let you down.
My problem is that I’ll probably never get to meet you, see you, or hug you. So for now, I’ll dream and wish you the best. I do love you, you know.
Thank you for giving me life and giving me up.
Love,
The one you never named, Leah Yu O'Bryan
