Dear Mother,
I grew up knowing that there was something wrong between us. The tension in the air, the hesitation before you spoke, the glare in your eye. I spent my childhood seeing my friends have amazing, loving relationships with their mothers, then there was you and me. We never really spoke in depth, and we didn't do much together. You were the mother and I was the child. Soon, we became strangers who had nothing but hatred towards each other.
As I started to grow older, I began to understand why you didn’t love me with a love most mothers had for their child: I was your mistake. I was the one thing in your life that reminded you of all the mistakes in your past. I was the ball and chain to all the sadness and hate you felt. I just wanted to let you know, because of your hatred towards me, I hated myself.
As a growing adult, I would wake up every morning with flashbacks of scenes from my childhood. I heard echoes of your voice and all the spiteful words we exchanged. I used to hate waking up, and every day I would hate myself.
However, one morning, after a night of crying myself to sleep because of a haunting memory of us fighting invaded my peaceful dreams, I noticed something. I noticed your eyes staring back at me, glaring, judging, and full of hate, shame, and anger. I noticed that I saw you in my reflection, and I closed my eyes, refusing to become you.
You have made me stronger, you have made me independent, and you have been my motivation. I am done hating you, because I am done hating myself. I also want you to know that I promise that I will be a better parent than you were. I will never allow myself to let my child hate themself because of how I treat them. I promise to be my child’s best friend and put them over anything or anyone. I promise to be everything you weren’t.
It is sad remembering that you weren’t there to help me get ready for prom or graduation. I will experience my wedding without you. I will be holding on my mother-in-law's hand in the hospital when my child is born instead of yours. My child will lack a grandmother. I will lack a mother’s guidance and wisdom.
I will continue to live my life without you, and try to stop imagining what it would be like to have you. I wish nothing bad towards you and hope that you finally found peace. I hope you have everything you ever wanted and have worked for.
I have found many people in my life who love me and care for me without question. I have found people who accept my mistakes and love me though all my poor decisions from the past. I have found who my true family and friends are.
I am not motherless, I just don’t have you. I have amazing people in my life to share myself with, I just don’t have you. I am growing and becoming a wonderful adult that a mother would be proud of, I just don’t have you. I never really had you, and I never will, but I have a place deep within my heart that will always be yours.
Sincerely, with the love I finally found for you,
Your Child
