I realized I had anxiety my junior year when I was leaving class because of anxiety attacks. I realized I had depression after I started to take my medicine and I was happier. Depression isn’t always cutting and anxiety isn’t always locking yourself in your house. For me, depression is lying on the floor and staring at a wall for hours. It’s not wearing makeup or doing your hair or showering or putting together a decent outfit because you just don’t care. But, I didn’t realize that until I started to care. Anxiety was a fast heartbeat, nausea, and hyperventilating every time a trigger popped up. To deal with anxiety, I’d chew gum. When that stopped working, I decided it was time to get this under control.
I went to the doctor and was prescribed Fluoxetine. When I picked it up from the pharmacy, I felt so many different things. I had anxiety about not having anxiety. I was worried about what I’d feel in the absence of anxiety (I know, ridiculous). The pharmacist told me nausea/vomiting is a possible side effect, and one reason I was taking the drugs in the first place was because I am so so so so so scared of throwing up. So I said “thanks”, walked out, and cried. I decided not to take my medicine for a few days because of that fear. But eventually I had to just face it and take it.
I didn’t throw up, I was fine. I was supposed to increase the dose after a week, but I waited for about a month just in fear again. That showed me I still needed it.
Since, I’ve found myself less nervous in trigger situations, not staring at walls anymore, and I’ve put a lot more effort into myself. I’ve done it for my appearance but not only to other people, but to myself. I first started putting “cuter” outfits together, using my whole closet of clothes to its full potential. Then, I started waking up earlier and wearing more makeup and feeling good about it. Now granted, before I wore some makeup, but I put it on in the car on my way to school… not exactly “guru”. I’m exploring different makeup looks and wearing my many glasses. And after that, I went shopping for myself and actually planned outfits and found stylish things to wear. I even started wearing a ring! I do my hair, up do, curl, buns, you name it! I’m valuing myself more, and I love it. Taking time to do me things.
I still have my moments, but they are far less often than before, and I just feel all around better.
