Hi. I’m Heather. I've been in church my whole life. I've memorized scriptures for as long as I can remember. I've always had a love for learning. I graduated high school with a 4.1 GPA and in the top 6 percent of my class. I'm currently about to finish my sophomore year at a Christian University and currently hold a 3.8 cumulative GPA. I obviously have everything going for me, right?

Oh, but one more thing... I battle crippling depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

Let me walk you through just a bit of my journey.

My last two years of high school were hard. I mean, come-home-everyday-crying hard. I mean that-teacher-intimidates-me-so-much-I-have-an-anxiety-attack-everyday-I-have-their-class hard. But I told myself, "Heather, you're a Christian. You obviously just need to pray and trust God more." (LIE)

Then as I started my freshman year of college, I hoped things would get better and they did-for a time. But soon I started skipping meals in the cafeteria because the excessive noise made my body shake. So many people in one room made me feel nauseous. Small talk with strangers made me break out in hives. Any social interaction made my stomach twist in knots. I started hiding out in my room telling people I was sick or any of the other half a dozen premade excuses I had ready to go at any given time. I would spend the evenings in my bed, with the lights off, crying until I finally fell asleep.

Now please understand: I am not saying any of this to make anyone feel sorry for me or feel bad for not seeing the signs or whatever. I'm saying all of this for a few reasons:

1. Depression and anxiety are real.

They're not made up. They're not a ploy for attention. They're not something to joke about. To tell someone with anxiety to "just calm down" is like telling someone with cancer to "just stop being sick." It's ridiculous and gets neither person anywhere. These are real conditions with real consequences. And I'm just going to be really honest for a second and say this journey has felt like Hell some days. To joke about "oh, you gave me a panic attack" or "wow, I'm so depressed" is to belittle something millions of people fight on a daily basis. Also, going out in public and seeming happy does not mean someone is not struggling. I, myself, have become extremely good at pretending.

2. You never know what someone else is facing.

How true is this? Most people who know me never would have guessed this was a reality for me. If you don’t believe me, you can go ask my mom. She has sat with me through all of the doctors' appointments, listened to all of my briefings about my counseling sessions, held back my hair as I cried so hard I almost threw up and held me as I shook so hard I literally felt like I was going to lose all strength and pass out. (Thanks, Mom.) On my birthday this past year, I was standing in the middle of a mall with my mom as I had an anxiety attack. I started crying, shaking uncontrollably and breaking out in a rash because certain people didn't tell me Happy Birthday—which obviously meant they didn't love me. I had over 100 people show me love that day, on Facebook alone, but it wasn't enough. It was all fake. Nobody loved me. Now, I know that is ridiculous. I know people love me. But when you have anxiety and depression, what you know isn't always what you feel.

3. Struggling with depression, anxiety, or any mental illness does not make you a bad Christian or a weak person.

Though this reason may initially seem to be pointed at other people struggling, it's just as much for those who are not. Here's why. It took me over a year to admit to myself I had depression. Over a year to get on the medication I had needed for so long. Why? Stigma. I believed admitting I needed medicine would be admitting I was weak rather than admitting my brain chemistry was a little off. I believed that admitting I had an overwhelming fear of the future which made me want to crawl into a ball and never interact with another human being again was the same as admitting I didn't trust in the God who holds my future and now I know that's just not true. Can I please help clear one thing up? Mental health issues are the result of a fault in brain chemistry- not a fault in character.

Honestly, just writing this has been so hard. Even now as I'm about to share what I know needs to be said, I can't help but think of how opinions of me will be changed, what people will think when they see me now and all of the people who will be upset I didn't confide in them in person or sooner. Now, maybe you've read this and are thinking, "Why are you sharing this?" But maybe, just maybe, someone is thinking, "Someone finally said it" or "Huh, I never thought of it that way" or "Wow, I really needed to hear that." And if even just one person is thinking just one of those things, then I know God has used this part of my journey to make an impact on someone else and that makes every day, all of this pain, that much easier to accept.