Dear "Father,"
I would first like to thank you for helping my mother give me life. Without you, I wouldn't exist. Biologically, I'm half of my mother and half of you. Your DNA is half of me, and for that, I have to thank you. There's something I'd like to tell you though. And hopefully, you'll be able to read it, no matter where you are. Please know that there's no intention of embarrassing you, and this is certainly not a cry for help. I know the probability of you reading this is slim. The probability of you reading this and recognizing it's about you? Impossible. But, that's okay, because the purpose of this is for myself.
I'd like you to know that after 20 years, my mother has finally answered some questions about you and I was content for a while. However, I've been itching to write this to you. Simply because I needed to express my own feelings and thoughts.
That being said, I'd like to tell you that I have learned many lessons throughout my short years. Your lack of presence in my life has given me more strength than I can ever imagine. Your disinterest in my life has only given my mother more motivation to raise me to be great. I asked about you countless times when I was younger, never getting an answer. I knew that you didn't want me at a young age, and that negatively affected me for a while.
Despite having a huge and loving family (mother, aunts, cousins, grandparents, uncles, little sisters, a brother and a stepfather), I have always had an empty hole in my heart. I always thought that you should have been there to fill it. I would go to school and the other kids would ask me what my father was like, and I never had an answer. I would say "I don't know" and that was true. I never learned your first name until earlier this year and I still don't know what you look like.
This isn't an angry letter, but rather an informative one. I genuinely hope that you recognize what your absence has done to me. I had to learn that my sisters and stepfather shared a kind of love that I can never understand, and they don't understand that I can't experience that fatherly love. They also don't understand the pain that not having a father comes with, or the jealousy I've lived with for 20 years.
But, please don't think that I have grown up to be an unhinged young adult that can't think about fatherhood without crying. It's true, I've been hurt for a long time. A lot of times I've carried that anger around with me, unable to form bonds or relationships with some people. However, you've taught me a lot.
You have taught me to love myself. No, you didn't call me on the phone and tell me I was your "princess" or anything of the sort. You simply weren't there. That forced me to appreciate my mother more, as well as everyone who has helped her bring me up. Once I realized my appreciation for everyone, I realized their love for me and eventually realized how much I love myself.
Your absence in my life didn't teach me that I'm unwanted, although that notion stayed in my head for a while. Instead it taught me that I'm worth loving. Despite you not being in my life, I am strong. I'm finishing my junior year at the second largest university in New Jersey, I'm taking six classes, founded a new Greek organization (the first of its kind at Kean), have a healthy relationship with someone who genuinely loves me and my writing gets published online.
I've made it through the wire and have learned to love myself through the process, because you taught me what it was like to not be wanted at an early age. My self-love will attract people that want to be in my life, and those who don't want to be in it aren't worth my love. And for that, I thank you. Without you showing me what it felt like to feel worthless, I wouldn't have learned how it feels to be priceless. I will no longer think of you as my "father" or a donor. I will instead, think of you as a teacher and a lesson.
Goodbye for good,
Your abandoned, self-loving "daughter"
