Something I've been struggling with lately is how to share my message even though I'm healthy. I felt like I was making the most impact sharing my struggles, and I'm still working on getting comfortable with my triumphs.
I remember getting so caught up in how sick I was that I assumed it would just be my forever, my new normal. So I found comfort in it. It was no longer the daily struggle that scared me; it was what happiness could feel like.
I was terrified of being happy and healthy. For so long I had lived so far from both of those concepts. And when I really think about it, I don't know how long I've been sick for. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago. However, my symptoms were present long before I was diagnosed. But I didn't know what they meant.
So really, this is the first time I've been truly happy and healthy in YEARS.
I told my psychiatrist that, right now, I have no complaints. Sure, I don't get enough sleep or drink enough water. But otherwise, I'm kind of thriving. And that's terrifying. Not because I don't know what'll happen tomorrow. But because I don't fully understand this space. I'm learning how to.
It's as much of a journey as being sick was.
Here are the facts: I will get sick again. If I don't take my medications, I won't make it through the day. I have to go to bed early. I can't go out partying. I experience brain fog. Those are all things that used to infuriate me. Now? They're part of my radical acceptance of my condition.
This is who I am. This is how I have to live my life. And I'm starting to really get the hang of it.
Daily recovery is just as imperfect as sickness. You try things, they fail. You try things, they work. Life is trial and error. Living a life full of constant uncertainty about your mental health COULD be scary, but with the right tools, support, and you guessed it, radical acceptance, you CAN push forward.
This IS my new normal. And after two years living with this disorder, I think I'm finally at peace with that.