Broaching the subject of mental illness is never a fun conversation, especially when that mental illness causes a constant stream of self-doubting, worst case scenario thoughts. Coupled with the stigma surrounding the topic, personal testimony in the media is a rarity.
Anxiety is very personal to me. Millions of people deal with it every day, but I still can't talk about it. It's near impossible to explain the inner workings of my mind, especially on a bad day. Even so, those closer to me deserve to have some worry alleviated. The way to cast out fear is to explain and open up. So, I've done my best to do just that.
What I need you to know about my anxiety is:
There are times when I feel like I'm drowning.
Anxiety is incredibly physical. There are moments when it feels like the entire ocean is roaring in my chest, and I believe that I am dying. The waves crash inside my ribs and the unbearable pressure becomes paralyzing. All my ears can hear is the sound of the surf and I'm sure that I'm going to sink. It's time like that that I'm going to need you to help me swim.
The things that scare me won't make sense to you.
It's always the little things. But it's the big things too. And all of the things in between. The library, and the barista, and the elevator, and my future, and driving, and meeting your parents, and the vastness of the universe. It's a lot... and the thing that scares me the most is that you don't care.
You aren't entitled to know everything.
While communication can be important to me, it's exhausting to tell you everything. When everyone wants to know everything, it's too much for me to handle. It's difficult for me to wade through my thoughts and emotions for myself, so there are going to be times when there is no way I can explain it to you.
This isn't your fault.
Sometimes you can be a stressor. Sometimes you can be overwhelming. There will never be a time when my anxiety is your fault. It's not my fault either. This doesn't stem from low self-esteem or any mistake. My anxiety is not a fault to be had. I will take ownership of it because it lives inside my head, but never for a moment do I want you to feel responsible for my dark times.
You can't save me.
You cannot fix this. All of the love in the world will not cure me. But you can be my ally. You can stand with me, and be supportive. I will love you the best way I know to how if you do the same for me.
Most importantly, I'm going to be okay.
"Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."- Loa Tzu
