Content warning: domestic abuse. May be triggering for some readers.

At 19 I fell in love with him. At 20 we were engaged. Then, a couple of months before turning 21 my world flipped upside down.

My world changed when I saw your true colors. I couldn't believe the monster I was seeing in front of me. The beginning of our relationship was just like a fairytale, and you swept me off my feet. You didn't fail to make me smile and wanted the best for me and supported me no matter what. Your love was real. Or so I thought. In January, everything changed, like a switch had flipped.

First, it started off with little things like not wanting me to go anywhere, at first I thought it was cute that you wanted to spend every minute with me and have me by your side all the time. Then it became more controlling and manipulative such as you not allowing me to spend time with my family, have any friends, and you barely let me go to school. You wanted me to drop out, basically wanted me "barefoot and pregnant."

You constantly kept talking about how you wanted me to "cut the cord" with my family because they were "too much." I kept apologizing despite the fact I shouldn't have to apologize for my family being extremely close. Your actions made it seem like you wanted to kidnap me and take me away from everyone and leave everything I have behind. I couldn't do that but I agreed to it because I loved you.

I agreed to skip family events because I loved you. You wanted to control and manipulate every single part of my life — from my career choice, where I would have a job, who I could be friends with, to even wanting me to move home with you when you knew everything I have is here and that my family was and is all I truly have.

If you didn't get your way you acted as a toddler would, throwing a temper tantrum because they couldn't have the toy. We began arguing more because you always wanted things to be your way and over time the arguments got worse. You would take a knife that you had in the car and would hold it to your stomach, and would tell me that if the car stops short you hope you die.

You had suicidal ideations, which scared me. You had a bullet in your car that you threatened to kill yourself with and told me that you would kill yourself on top of me if I were to cheat on you.

Everyone who knows me knows that loyalty is important to me. To think about cheating on you was an inconceivable idea.

You used to steal my phone, looking through all of its contents even though I had given you no reason to. You would steal my Zoloft because you felt I was fine and I didn't need it despite it being prescribed to me by a valid doctor. I always felt afraid and on edge with you because I never knew what you would do next.

I used to wake up with you taking my clothes off in the middle of the night and have you deep inside me. It became an almost nightly thing that you would do this to me. I am hurt that you have done such ill-mannered things as these. You claimed to be such a man yet a real man would never do that.

I've tried to push you off but your strong arms and legs kept me down. Then you would hide my birth control on me because you felt having kids would make you feel more secure. In June, I was offered my dream internship that I had worked hard to keep my grades up while you controlled me.

I accepted it and you were upset because you thought my parents were forcing me into the internship even though I expressed many times it was what I wanted and the career path I wanted to go down. I struggled to earn the internship and you were not happy. We were staying at a hotel in Newport for your training when I got a call from the internship manager, I was ecstatic and you showed not an ounce of excitement for me. No "I'm so proud of you" or "That's awesome, babe! I knew you could do it."

Instead, I hear "that's stupid, you're not going to be getting credits for it anyway." The credits didn't matter to me, just the idea of getting my foot in the door and getting a headstart on my career is what mattered. I asked if you were kidding and clearly you were not when you replied with "I was picked to go to another training in Hawaii, and I need you to come with me, we leave in two weeks."

That was something so sudden and usually, we talked about what is going on with our job and careers before we make rash decisions. I told you you could go to Hawaii while I did my internship and you made some snide comments such as, "at least I'm getting something out of it."

The next day, I talked to my parents about it all, and they agreed we can still be together while we do our own thing. That it was an acceptable thing to do in this situation. Your reaction was to call my mom, starting a huge war between my family and I. You texted nasty things to my family from my phone, pretending to be me. In Newport, we would go home every weekend so I could see my family for a couple of days, even though you didn't want to.

I felt like a prisoner.

A huge fight happened that night. You were screaming at me, loud enough for the people in the next room to hear. You kept pushing me for taking my phone back from you. You pushed hard enough for me to trip over my own suitcase. You threw my phone at the wall causing it to shatter into a million little pieces, breaking it in half rendering it unusable.

When I went to get it, you pushed it under the couch and picked me up throwing me onto the bed. Your grip was so strong that it left bruises on my arm. I tried to reach for the hotel phone to call my parents because I wanted to leave. I was fighting a monster, I saw it in your eyes.

That was not the man I loved. How could it be? How could it be the same person I fell in love with earlier that year?

I was terrified of the person you'd become. You pushed the phone off of the nightstand and disconnected it. I managed to escape your hold and run into the bathroom locking myself in. I didn't want to believe this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had seen a future with you, wanted to walk down the aisle with my dad and see you standing there. I wanted to raise our kids and build a home all with you. You kept banging on the door, begging for me to come out so we could "talk."

The lock had broken and you pushed the door open. I tried to push the door closed with all my might, fearing what was coming. You managed to get the door open. I put my hands over my face because I felt all the anger you had. You forced my hands away from my face. I remember seeing the monster in your eyes. I tried to leave the room but you forced the door shut. I slid down not knowing what to do. You threw me onto the bed. I can't remember your exact words, all I remember is your hot voice and your actions.

It was a miracle I was able to leave the room at some point. I went to the lobby to call my mom, even though you didn't want me to. Someone in the room next door called the police. When you went outside to smoke I quietly told the manager what was going on. I stayed down in the lobby even though you wanted me to go to the room with you. I stayed until the police came. I told them everything that happened and they arrested you on the spot.

The State of Rhode Island automatically put a no-contact order on. When you got out of being detained, you still called me, wanting me to get this case lifted. My parents and I went back and forth to Newport 3 times to get that resolved because we loved you. We didn't want your career hurt. It was made clear to me by you that your career was more important than mine.

Even after that whole incident, our arguments were just as bad and getting worse.

When we would argue in the car, you would hold the knife to your stomach again, or purposely swerve the car or stop suddenly, scaring me, putting me in fear of losing my life. It was always your way or the highway. If something went my way for once, you flipped out. At one point you wanted to make a suicide pact. You had a tracker on me, wanting to know my every move. You flipped out when I would go to Walmart with my mom or go visit my nephew at my sister's house. When I would be studying for school, you would constantly ask "Are you done yet?" I would get up late in the middle of the night and study for a bit before going back to bed because you would be mad if I was up.

Every time we would argue, your eyes would turn black as if there truly was a monster inside of you.

I was petrified when I saw those ocean blue eyes turn as black as the suitcase you pushed me over. When I became seizure-free, I was ready to sign up for driver's education and wanted to be able to get my license. But you didn't want me to. It was like you wanted me to depend on you. Anytime you didn't want me to do anything, it made me want to do it more but I was scared of the consequences you would give me. You told me you would go to counseling but you never did. You said, "They didn't help."

But you need more than counseling. You need more than what I thought I could've given you. I am not afraid of monsters anymore because I once loved one that would sleep next to me at night. You've taken away my personality and you've taken away the person I am.

Before I met you I was the best version of myself that I could be, but you stripped it all away from me. You have crushed all of my hopes and dreams. I have forgotten how to make friends and be social because you used to do all the talking for me. I wasn't allowed to answer to anything or anyone. I argued with my family and tried to protect you, but I couldn't see that I needed to be protected from you.

I've chosen to ignore all the red flags you have raised all because I loved you. I've only just realized how utterly exhausted I am after living in a near-constant state of fight or flight for so long. I have lived in a constant state of anxiety and stress for so long. I never knew what your emotions were or how you would react to something.

I felt on the defense every time you came home. Our relationship should have been a safe haven and not a battlefield. A reasonable person knows that love shouldn't hurt and clearly you are not one of those people.

You are a narcissistic sociopath. There was a time where you had me to a point where I would've left the world behind for you.

That day in Newport, I knew something was wrong with you when you watched me cry inconsolably, over something you had done and you didn't even flinch. You didn't attempt to apologize, nor were you remorseful. Instead, you carefully twisted it around to be my fault. I knew then, I was dealing with a monster — not a person.

You never apologized to me for hurting me, but I apologized to you for being angry about it.

Psychologists know that psychopaths, such as yourself, know the best way to exploit empathetic people is to take advantage of our natural desire to care for others. You've done this. Not once, not twice, but multiple times. The pity plays. You've fabricated illnesses. I know this because I have seen the difference in you.

You always said you didn't feel well when I wanted to do something, so we'd stay home, but you'd be fine 20 minutes later to go to Sonic. I always knew you were lying, but I catered to you anyway because I loved you. You lament how crazy your ex was and how she broke the heart you actually don't have.

Truth to be told — she isn't crazy at all. We both agree it is you who's the crazy one. She is now a friend of mine because of you, so thank you. We both agree and have come to the terms that you are a sociopath. You are a pathological liar.

You lie to make your life seem better than everyone else, for you to feel inferior to everyone. You are not inferior. Sadly, I believed every single one of your lies, because I trusted you. Psychopaths love to show their hatred for drama and all the drama that's ever been in our life for the year and a half we were together revolved around you. All the intentional things you've done, like the jealousy, playing detective, and disliking people you have never met.

This is how you caused the war. You constantly played the victim when I have tried to talk to you about the drama. You always had an excuse lined up. You tried to twist everything around to be on me. You put all of your weight on me, on top of everything else in my life like wanting to chase after my dream that you crushed.

How could you? I remember all of the things I wanted with you, and you took advantage of my heart and soul.

I will not be giving you credit for playing pretend in the beginning. The bruises you left on me went deeper than my skin — all thanks to you. I hope someday maybe you'll see the light and maybe you'll find your peace. I don't wish you the best, because that would be a lie, but I don't wish you the worst either.

I simply wish whatever it is you deserve. You're going to get that.

If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.