Lyme Disease: A grody, deer-tick sick that loosely rhymes with "dimes, not pennies." Speaking of dollars, did you know that America's finest moneymakers seem to have an affinity for contracting Lyme disease? I've heard of signing autographs, but letting your fans chomp on your blood? Welcome to Hollyweird. Here are some of the ticks who made it into the spotlight. Listicle INBOUND.
1. The tick who bit Ben Stiller
"What is this? A bite from ants?", Ben Stiller probably said after probably waking up to discover a rash courtesy of the cutie pie pictured above. I'm not sure if ticks decide to feed at night. I think they're always eating. I got bit by a tick once. But I told it I wasn't famous and it hopped right off my knee. Luckily Stiller doesn't feel it still (I'm not even going to bother hyperlinking "Feel It Still," but it would be funny, but it's a lot of work, but it would be funny), and his symptoms are gone. If you can dodge a Lyme, you can take a joke.
2. The tick who bit Avril Lavigne
This tick went and made things real complicated when it landed on Avril Lavigne and gave her Lyme disease. Are ticks good for anything in the ecosystem other than causing suffering? I guess so. Probably. I don't know whether to blame deer-ticks or deer at this point. Lyme disease can happen to anybody, but it's astounding that successful people get it so much. Maybe if I get Lyme disease, that'll be a step in the right direction up the ladder of stardom.
3. The tick who bit Ashley Olsen thinking she was Mary-Kate
This fool was bugging out when it gave Ashley Olsen the Lyme when it was aiming for Mary-Kate Olsen. Work on your aim and take this L, like the L that Mary-Kate should've taken.
4. The tick who bit Yolanda Hadid
Any fan of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Yolanda Hadid (or Yolanda Foster depending on which season you're on) is outspoken about her experience with Lyme disease. My guess is this tick saw Yolanda in her lemon grove and wanted to thank her, not realizing that a kiss would risk hurting the Dutch warrior. A couple of Yolanda's children, Anwar and Bella, have also battled Lyme disease. It would seem the cost of a lemon grove is greater than the price of lemonade, my love.
5. The tick who bit Alec Baldwin
Based on the astounding number of celebrities who have reported Lyme disease, I'm not surprised at least one Baldwin got it. Initially, I assumed this tick was upset at Alec Baldwin for his Trump impression, but Alec revealed he had Lyme disease back in 2011, well before the Hell we currently live in. Remember, ABC, that's "Always Be Checking." For ticks.
6. The tick who bit George W. Bush
Members of my older audience might remember when this tick topped the FBI's Most Wanted list, a list better than any list I've ever made. It takes a real mastermind to infiltrate the White House, but to give the president of the free world Lyme disease before leaving? A real Houdini. The FBI is no longer looking for this tick because it's probably dead.
7. The tick who bit Shania Twain
How dare you?
If Lyme disease can happen to these prominent public figures, it can certainly happen to you. Check yourself for ticks after any outdoor activity. There are more celebrities who have contracted Lyme disease, but there are more writers who could write about that. I have things to do, lists to generate.