Well shit, it’s the end of November and you dirty hicks all know what that means… College football is coming to an end. Though there are many great games to be played such as conference championships and, of course, the college playoffs, odds are the majority of your collegiate teams have bit the dust and are riding the pine pony for the rest of the season. The only thing you poor souls have to look forward to is the “Ice cold Dr. Pepper” commercials airing for the duration of the season. This year, college football was that of an 80-year-old man's erection, a flip floppy season full of ups, downs, and mostly disappointment. The only certainty of college football this year week in and week out were that of someone dropping out of the top 4, Ohio State would remain number one despite beating South Harmon Institute of Technology, Coach Jim McElwain of UF would continue to be the doppelganger of President Jimmy Cater and, of course, the UCF Golden Knights would continue to loose every single game. And I mean every single game. George O’Leary and the Golden Knights finished dead last this year in the FBS college football rankings with a boner crushing record of 0-12. It’s surprising to see, considering they won the Sugar Bowl just 2 years ago with Blake Bortles. To put it Bluntly, UCF was the butthole of football this year. Chewed up, digested and shit out. All around they just were as horrible as Brendan Fraiser's acting career. UCF was so bad this year, a local bar called, “The Basement” starting giving out free beer until UCF could defeat an opponent. The bar called The Basement ended up giving out close to 15,000 free beers according to the owner during the dreadful season put on by the Golden Knights. I’m only assuming students of the second largest collegiate population took full advantage of this. But, who am I to talk shit? I go to FGCU whose biggest rustle in the collegiate sports atmosphere is that of a “sport” called quidditch derived from a fictitious movie phenomenon called Harry Potter. I’d rather be 0-12 than win a national championship in a sport involving fairy’s, wizards and magical wands that essentially amount to nothing other than bullshit and wizards, but that’s neither here nor there. This article is not to highlight the lack of collegiate athletics at my beloved school but to evaluate the horrendous season of the UCF football team. Below are a list of athletic teams, people and just absurd objects that could defeat the Golden Knights in their upcoming year.
1. All 127 FBS Football teams
This is an obvious. UCF was an absolute horror show to watch this year, capping their season off to a loss to a below average program USF. UCF this year allowed 452 points against and put up a low of 167 points for. With these statistical numbers UCF was destined to loose to just about anybody
2. The little Giants
The tiny but heart filled team of 1994 that swept pop warner football off their feet, “The Little Giants” still has the potential to beat the 2015 and 2016 UCF football team. Led by the coach that starred in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids” who Brings more leadership and creativity than the coach presiding O’Leary. This game is an absolute blowout 69-0 Little Giants take it.
3. The Mighty Ducks D1-D3
Not the most traditional of football teams, wearing skates, carrying twigs and normally skating on the surface of the ice. However, the exceptional coaching of Gordon Bombay, the offensive push from Adam Banks and Captain Charlie Conway and, of course, the stellar defense from goalie Goldberg will be far too much for the UCF defense to handle. Bombay and his ducks roll just like every other team has against UCF and wins big in a 52-6 blowout.
4. FGCU Quidditch Team
This one is bias since I am an FGCU student and die hard eagle fan. Go eagles! Although UCF is a favorite in this one, UCF will loose a stunning 7-0 in a game of inches after UCF quarterback Justin Holman throws his 15th picks of the season to ultimately loose the one winnable game UCF had.
5. The BenchWarmers
Yes, that’s right the ferocious threesome of Rob Schneider, David Spade and John Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) will give UCF a run for their money this season. With an extreme individual effort of Rob Schneider will allow the benchwarmers to gain the edge on a struggling UCF offense and defense resulting in a 21-7 win for the Benchwarmers. Though this is a loss for UCF, they scored their first touchdown of the year and “The Basement”(the bar that gave out free beer) will give out free scholarships to UCF for the next year in response to their first offensive touchdown.
6. The Sandlot
One of America’s favorite teams of all team, the Sandlot. The band of misfits that proved hard work, ingenuity and a pair of nice athletic sneakers still wont win you the signed ball of Babe Ruth back after it's been swallowed by the ferocious dog rightfully named the “Beast.” These battle-scared teams will face off in a tight game of pigskin, but a late fullback dive by the fat red head catcher, porter will seal the deal for the sandlot as they defeat the Golden Knights 10-7. In a post game celebration, the starting UCF running back is injured by the reckless dog the “Beast” and is out for the season. Neither the coach nor the fans care since he has combined for a total of -111 yards for the season.
7. Air Bud
The Golden Retriever that changed the K9 Olympics fever takes his talents to the prestigious American Conference and faces off against the UCF football team. Being a duel athlete, starting off in basketball then transitioning to football, soccer, baseball and then eventually volleyball, Air Bud possess all the qualities of an athlete striding for victory. Though UCF provides a relentless blitz on Air Bud, his nimble gallops and nose for the ball provide too much for the UCF defense to muster. Air Bud rolls a 28-3 victory. Although Air Bud celebrates a big win, he is fined $10,000 for excessively “humping” an opponent in the end zone. A post-game interview will reveal Air Bud acted on instincts.
8. The Cast of Friends
The Cast of Friends will come out of retirement in the upcoming season. Though they will not be participating in subpar acting, they will be facing off against a below subpar football team. Analyst anticipates this will be a game UCF can win. Much like every game of the year, UCF looses a close one 2-0 as Jennifer Aniston registers a sack as time expires, giving the cast of friends a beam of hope for their acting careers. In a post game interview, Matt LeBlanc is too bewildered by the question and suffers a never before seen fatal brain explosion. The Cast of friends split up and never acts in another movie.
